OnlyTheLonely

snow patrol

2006-06-15T18:45:00.000+02:00

2006-05-24T06:23:00.001+02:00

i'm taking a little trip this weekend. i'm hoping...well, i don't know what i'm hoping, but i'm sure whatever this trip brings will be welcome...good or bad. i love to travel. i've been all around the world and always theres a draw to certain places. the place that i'm going to this weekend i've visited more often than any other. it relaxes me and i will continue to go back until it doesn't do that any more. i imagine that all things lose their luster after a while, but i'm hoping that my love affair and draw to theis particular place is a love that lasts forever. i remember playing that game when i was little, you know the one, the one where you say "if you could pick any place in the world to live where would it be?" i always pick somewhere local because that's all i knew, but now that i've seen a few places i think i know where i would spend the rest of my life...kicker...i don't know if i could do it without my family. i keep thinking in my head, well if they only knew what it was like they would move in a heartbeat...but would they? it seems so easy from here because it could actually be that easy for me. i could say this is where i want to go because it's the most beautiful place i know, but i know that i would go back to the same boat i'm in now...italy is nothing to sneeze at, and still i'm home sick so i doubt that my dream place would be any better after a while. we'll see how it goes...i'll scope out some property this weekend....just kidding.

2006-05-24T06:23:00.000+02:00

what brings us just a little happiness

2006-05-17T11:37:00.000+02:00

my sister called today to tell me that she decided to bring my aunt Gloria home with her to stay. her reason for being in a wheelchair is heart disease, and i remember a few years ago when my mom called me to tell me she had had a stroke. i was devastated. it has taken this long for her to be able to maneuver the wheelchair on her how and i know that the smallest things like getting a drink of water are great feats for her. she was told that her health is deteriorating and it only makes it worse when she doesn't take her heart medication regularly. my family has decided that since she was so kind to us that it's time for us to return the favor, she is after all family. as the wife of my dad's younger and closest brother she holds a special place in my father's heart because of her warmth and love towards my uncle. she was also warm and loving to her own children, but they seem to have forgotten that. when i talked to my dad he said that he thinks they have all turned against each other because there is money and property involved and the don't have anything of their own...as i said before, there isn't much in the town and no opportunity for anyone. so they stayed in the town, and they grew bitter because they had nothing and when my uncle died they suddenly had more than they had before. i would like to think that I would never be driven to something like that, but who knows, maybe if i had nothing, I would fight for everything i could get too.
so my mother is going to try to provide as much care to someone who deserves much more than she's gotten and at least with her she will be surrounded by people who love her.
i would like to talk to my cousins, but i doubt it will do much good. i'm not in their situation so i don't know what it's like for them.
what i do know is that i miss them...who they used to be...the boys i grew up with, who used to walk me to the corner store to buy candy, the boys who escorted me to dances in the square, the boys who gave me my first beer and made sure i drank responsibly when i got older, but most of all i miss the friends they used to be.

troubled waters

2006-05-15T19:14:00.000+02:00

my dad's brother died about a year ago of a heart attack and ever since then things have been on a downward spiral with his family. they live in mexico, in a rather poor town, with nothing in it but a few drug runners and some convenience stores where people stop on their way somewhere else. my uncle owned one of these convenience stores and his daughter (the youngest of his kids) took over when he passed away. he left a wife, who is in a wheel chair and unable to take care of herself, four sons, who all hate each other, and his daughter. my uncle had not left any instructions to to his family in case of his death nor did he leave a will, but on the day of his funeral his sons decided to divide all of the property and assets that he had aquired and leave the care of the store and my aunt to their sister. she was to pay them a portion of the profits while they did none of the work. they thought this was a fair arrangement until one of the brothers lost his job and sold his house and moved in with his sister and mother along with his wife and three sons. now, i know this is starting to sound like a horrible fairy tale, but believe me when i say that i am telling the whole truth. well when my cousin and his wife (who my aunt disliked and distrusted since before they were married) moved in, the care of my aunt fell to them since they refused to help run the store. when his brothers found out they had moved in they were a little suspicious as to his motives thinking that he would try to sell the house. so a few weeks later they showed up while my cousin and his wife were away to check in on their mother and found that they had locked her in the house and left bread and meat out for her to feed herself since they were gonna be gone over the weekend...this woman is one of the kindest people you'd ever want to meet and every summer when we would go stay with her she would treat us like we were her own children...she is also incapable of changing herself so you can imagine what they walked into. so while they were still out his two brothers went about throwing all of their stuff out into the street and that's where they found it when they came home from their weekend holiday.
so they went to her family's house and stayed with them and the two other brothers moved into the house since their sister was too busy with the store supporting all of them. They aren't working, but they along with their wives never spend much time there either since they are always out and about town.
my sister went to visit her to see if she needed anything this weekend and found my aunt sitting in her wheel chair outside of her house and she started crying as soon as she saw my sister. it turned out that she had been locked out of her house. my sister didn't wait or ask questions she just put her in her car and headed back home with her. on their way my aunt told my sister..."please don't judge them by what they're doing now...their father's death has had an awful affect on them."

i don't know how people survive certain things, but it takes a strong person to go through what she's gone through. i've often felt down about my problems because they're mine and i don't suffer other peoples pains, but it makes me feel ridiculous to complain when someone so close to me is in a situation beyond repair and in despair.
i can't help her, not from here, but i wish i could take some of her pain.

friends are friends

2006-05-03T20:32:00.000+02:00

we weren't the greatest of friends, but she was a friend and mainly the only single friend i had here. she left two weeks ago and the constant reminder that i have nobody here are my married friends. i love them, but the seem to get confused as to why i feel so lonely when they're always around me.
we weren't the greatest of friends, but she made me feel less alone.

SOMETIMES

2006-04-30T17:59:00.000+02:00

sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning.
sometimes it's hard to breathe.
sometimes i wonder if things will always be like this.
sometimes i get so lonely i can't stand it.
sometimes...

2006-04-15T11:37:00.000+02:00

Home of the last supper in the church of Santa Maria delle Grazie in Milan

2006-04-15T11:35:00.000+02:00

The entrance to see The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci

2006-04-15T11:34:00.000+02:00

Jack Johnson concert in Milan

2006-04-15T11:31:00.000+02:00

Carnivale

2006-04-15T11:30:00.000+02:00

Carnivale in Venice this year was a blast, but the weather was pretty crappy.

is it time?

2006-04-15T11:22:00.000+02:00

I've been trying to do a little spring cleaning but i'm having trouble concentrating with the weather being so nice, i've decided that instead of spending this fine easter weekend indoors i'm going to go out and do a little shopping. i wanted to post some pictures today cause it's nice out and i'm feeling really good....
....on that note. i've made a decision about my life and i'm hoping that it's the right one. i wonder.
i've decided to go home when my contract here is up. i've decided that it's been long enough. i've enjoyed my stay and i'm going to make the most of the next two years, but it's really enough. i've been lonely more often than not and i really miss my family. i would love to meet someone and settle down already, but that doesn't seem to be working out very well here. not that it will back home either, but at least there it will be easier to meet people...i hope.
...by all means if you have any opinions on the matter please tell me. i would really like to look at all sides of this.

busy bees

2006-04-12T09:27:00.000+02:00

it's been a long time since my last post, but things have been going well and rather than taking business trips, i've been taking travel trips. i'm sure that things have been wonderful for all of you now that spring is upon us and everyone keeps emailing me about how wonderful the weather is. i know i got a little manic there for a while but i'm seriously trying to get out of my funk and i think i'm doing ok. i attended a little gathering last weekend in verona italy called vinitaly. it was absolutely amazing! do you know how many different types of wine there are in italy?
i have found my favorite and i have to say that since discovering this particular wine my life has been quite relaxed and pleasant. no i have not become an alcoholic (the price of the wine does not allow for that).
althought the wine is quite pricey i have to say that by far it has blown every other wine out of the water. i'm going to tell you a little bit (what i know) about it and if you have an opportunity to try it, believe me, it will be worth every cent.

the wine is called Brunello and the grape, Sangiovese, is only grown in Tuscany in a little area called Montalcino. it's a dry, dark, bold, red, and the first sip after letting it breath for an hour is heaven. it is aged for four years in barrels and for one more year in the bottle, five years later you have yourself one of the finest wines in the world. my favorite that i have tried is Il Poggione's 1999 Riserva and if i could afford it i would purchase a case a week. unfortunately the price of a bottle goes for $70-$80 in the states...fortunately for me, i live quite close to tuscany. so my next few weeks, along with some friends, we will be trying different types of wines and rating them. a new little hobby we've decided to pick up. i'll let you know how it goes after i sober up. for now, i'm good, i'm having a great time, and i'm not gonna worry about anything else for a little while.

let the sun shine

2006-03-12T15:33:00.000+01:00

I'm not good with rain when it's falling for more than two weeks in a row.
I have to admit I got a little depressed after the failed attempt at a date a few weeks ago and haven't really been up to doing much of anything exept for work. I know that it's the wrong attitude to take and for all of you that sent email telling me that I should be more proactive when it comes to men...well I appreciate the advice, but I think it's when I am proactive that things go horribly wrong. Everytime something like this comes along I get my hopes up and it always turns out like this. I have a good life. I travel and see wonderful places and I have a great family. YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING. Who does? Don't feel sorry for me, it doesn't help and it's not really appreciated. I don't usually get upset, but I'm tired of people telling me that there's something wrong in my life because I don't have a man. I'm also tired of people telling me that I'm doing something wrong.
Maybe it's the rain that's depressing me, maybe it's being away from home.

maybe it's me.

this could only happen to me

2006-02-20T15:56:00.000+01:00

I started getting ready at around 6 for an 830 date last night. I picked out a really cute outfit, I shaved my legs, I plucked my eyebrows and I even put smelly lotion all over my body...usually regular lotion will do...I put jewelry on, sprayed a little perfume, took extra time on my make-up, and was ready to and took off from my house at around 815. At about 825 he called and said something came up and would not be able to make it.

When I was a little girl I remember watching movies and seeing girls getting ready for their dates and when they got to the restaurant the guy was already there waiting with flowers.

Not quite how I had imagined my first date in ages to go, but what can you do. I was very cheerful and very understanding and I told him I hadn't left the house yet. He said he would make it up to me and he hoped he hadn't inconvenienced me in any way.

I'm not sure that I had the right reaction, but I was pretty embarrassed. I'm not even sure why. I had already gotten to the restaurant, but I hadn't gotten inside yet so it's not like anyone even knew that I had gotten stood up, but there it is.

Instead of the romantic movie that I had in my mind I got Carrie. Well not really, but I felt a little foolish and I don't even know why. Maybe because I had made such a big deal about it, maybe cause it's been a long time. Who knows.

I came home, washed my face and got into my pjs and watched Carrie...it made me feel a little better. She sure knew how to vent.

who me???

2006-02-19T08:47:00.000+01:00

I have a date tonight. I've known this person for a long time although not as a friend but as a friend of a friend of a friend....simple right?
So, I was sitting at home on Tuesday doing a little reading and my cell phone rang...it was this guy. It took about 20 minutes of trying to figure out who it was and how they had gotten my phone number before we got down to business. The crazy insecure girl kept wanting to ask so many not-so-good questions like "me, really, why?" but I refrained and played it off like this was an everyday occurance. So I told him that would be great and I said I would meet him at this fine Indian restaurant and meet him halfway. After getting off the phone the anxiety attacks started. I'm not so sure this is such a good idea anymore. I don't know how to do this and I really don't even know if I want to. What to do.... should I tell him I'm sick? Should I tell him something came up? Should I tell him a have a rare contagious disease and I'll call him when I'm feeling better??????
Suck it up. I'm sure you're thinking this is ridiculous and people don't really act like this, but you would be wrong. A few hours to go and I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it. What to do what to do....

...to be continued

changes in attitude

2006-02-12T11:42:00.000+01:00

one of the good things about traveling is that you really get to see the differences in culture from continent to continent and to tell you the truth i haven't really noticed a big one except in small towns, but small towns seem to be the same everywhere. Going from one big city in America is just like going to a city everywhere else. The people mind their own business and are so preoccupied with their own worlds that they don't seem to realize what or who is going on around them. Not necessarily a bad thing, but if you go from a big city to a small town you notice the difference even when you're in the same country. People always say "Oh, I bet the people are much nicer in Italy than they are here in the states." but that really depends on where you go. If you're going from say Dallas to Milan there really isn't much of a difference. People are busy and minding their own business and sometimes they forget to be helpful even when it's their job. I recently took what appeared, at first glance, to be a crop duster from a very small town in to DFW and what flustered me most was the wait...and the confusion of the big airports. It must be so nice to only see a dozen people or so and call it a day. You can give each person your undivided attention and even find out loads of personal information. When the lady at the ticket counter (Jean) offeres you a cup of coffee and sits down with you for a little chit chat goes beyond customer service.
The lady at the ticket counter at DFW (Angela) never even made eye contact. Not that I blame her, I doubt I would find much time to make eye contact at that mad house either, but that's pretty much representative of how the rest of the city was too. So many people, so much to do, so little time.

jet planes and all that

2006-02-11T17:16:00.000+01:00

I hate this. I'm sleeping during the day and staying awake all night. This time difference is soooo much worse when you're coming over to Europe. How the hell do people do it. I met a woman on the plane to Belgium that makes the flight at least once a month. Who can live like that. You're just get used to the time change when you're off again to screw it all up. No thanks. So I've been back a couple of days and i've more than made up for my absence by eating at all of my favorite restaurants. I really missed the food, and my friends of course.

This post won't be very long but now that i'm home...for a little while anyways...i'll try to post again tomorrow when I have more time.

I spent some time near Memphis while I was across the ocean and I have to say that that is my new favorite place. The people are incredible, the food is delicious, the music is exceptional, and what more do you need in life. I had been thinking about where I was going to go when I finally went back to America and I have to say that Memphis is in the Top 10. I'm still weighing my options, but it's gonna be hard to top.

Well I'm off to sleep or try to anyways...there's gotta be a better way to do this.

moving on

2005-12-12T11:54:00.000+01:00

well the decision was made on one of those nights when there's really nothing going on. i decided to stay in on a saturday night and clean out some drawers, enjoy some wine and sit in the tub reading a nice book. the order got a bit skewed once i started cleaning out the drawers and i found some old letters from old friends and family. i've had two people pass away in the past two years and it's hard getting used to the fact that from here on out it will happen more and more often. i found letters from family that i hadn't thought of in a while, and friends who i'd lost touch with also. among those letter were of course old love letters and letters of loss and regret. i found myself wondering why we keep those those things, and i couldn't come up with a good reason, until i was done. it's not like i'd looked at them since they were given to me...until now.
so i grabbed all of these letters and headed for the tub. letter after letter the people who wrote them came alive in the room and the looks i imagined were off sadness and loss. not one of those people did i imagine with happy faces. i wasn't feeling judged, i just felt like i had let some things slip away that i should have held on to. i wonder if in actuality most of these people had thought about me less than i had thought of them. as we get older and accumulate new friends do we discard the old? do we treat our old friends as if they were just a pastime? it made me sad to think that i may never see or speak to these people again. most of them have moved and some of them have changed their number, but i wonder if we would even have anything to talk about after all this time. does it matter? all of these people and memories got me thinking about my friend Bill*. i've decided to let the good times stay good, and the past in the past. i offer friendship, but that is all. i'll keep the letters, and i'll put them back in the drawer. in a few years when i decide to clean that drawer out again i'll think of my friends and loved ones fondly, i'll call those that i need to call, i'll have a drink for those that i cannot find, and i'll shed some tears for those that have passed on. i feel purged/cleansed somehow. i set aside some time and dedicated it to the people that made me who i am. i owe them so much more...

...but for now they'll stay safe, until the next time, in the drawer.

a blast from the not so distant past

2005-12-03T11:12:00.000+01:00

I got an email today from an old friend.
Perhaps old friend is not really accurate. I used to be really in love with this guy.
He was a dear friend at times, and a wonderful person to me always...well, almost always. A few years ago this guy and I used to talk constantly. We lived in the same area for almost three years, and that was how we became friends. He was a friend of my then boyfriend, but the three of us were always together. When my boyfriend left town and me to go work in New York Bill* and I continued to hang out together and over time it developed into more. I really fell in love with him. He was an odd guy, and his mood was very unpredictable, but we managed to get along so well. One day it was my turn to take a job somewhere that was really far away and I couldn't turn it down...so I went. We remained friends, but it was my decision to be just friends because I thought it would be unfair for me to ask him to wait. As the years went by we talked less and less and things got wierder and wierder. When we did talked I was so happy because I missed him so much, but it just wasn't the same.
About two years after I had left he sent me an email. He said he was done doing this thing with me. He said he couldn't pretend that things were great and just wait for phone calls. He said that he didn't think it was a good idea that we were friends. I loved him and I didn't want him to be miserable so I agreed. I've thought about him more often than anyone in the past few years. I've thought about him constantly.
In his email to me he wrote this:

I have no idea if this is an active email, but this is the only one that i have that isn't a work address so it will have to do. i really don't have anything to say to you except that i am sorry. i have no business even telling you that, except that you deserve it. my life is in a totally different place then when i sent you the "last email". i don't blame you if you don't want to respond....i am really a big piece of shit. at this point...i don't even remember what was in the email that i sent you, i just know that i was an ass and that is all that matters. you are a very special person to all of your friends...i am really nothing but some lint from a dog's ball sac...i really mean that. no matter where you are at, know that no matter what is going on in your life, you can blame me for anything...i'll take the blame.i don't know what to say that will convey my feelings more then that...please accept my apologies and know that i wish you the happiest of thanksgivings whereever you are at.yours truly,

Odd thing is, i've never stopped caring about him, and i forgave him a long time ago. so the dilema is this. should i call him and tell him that, or should i just let it go? I miss him, but maybe it's just time to move on.

I hate halloween

2005-11-03T15:22:00.000+01:00

nope, no trips this week, but I did see something very strange and that's two people standing outside of my house on All Souls Day writing stuff on each other...

Ok, so I was standing on my balcony watching the beautiful fireworks and hadn't really noticed all of the people standing under me. There must have been about 15 people down there and they were all in lawn chairs or cushions, and they were all also looking up at the fireworks. I, being the good neighbor that I am, offered them some wine from my basement and I took some down along with some dixie cups. Well it started getting late so I went back upstairs and right before I went to bed I went out on the balcony to put out some candles I had lit. I look down cause I heard whispers and saw a couple. They looked like they were probably around 18 or so. The girl was wearing a jean jacket with a little top with thin straps and she had one of her arms out of her jacket. The boy also had a jacket on with a t-shirt underneath and he also had his arm out of his jacket and his sleeve pulled up around his shoulder. At first I thought they were putting their jackets back on, but I kept looking at them cause apparently they were so wrapped up in what they were doing that they didn't hear me above them. As I was looking over the rail though the girl grabbed the boys arm and had what looked like a letter opener in her hand and it looked like she was carving into his skin. I'm pretty sure she wasn't cause I didn't see any blood and he didn't appear to be in pain. When she was done he took the metal thing from her hand and did the same thing to her. I couldn't hear what they were whispering, but when he was done he bent down and kissed her arm where he had written on her. I'm not sure what it was about, but it was seriously wierd. I have not been able to stop thinking about that for a long time, and it's kind of freaking me out cause I keep having wierd dreams about it too.
Anyway that's the only exciting thing that's happened since last tuesday, but it's not so much exciting as it is exorcist spooky. I hate Halloween.

comments and help

2005-10-25T11:46:00.000+02:00

Well it looks like these commercial comments which are truly craptastic call for desperate measures...no comments. So after this post we will have no more comments on this blog, unless you guys have any other suggestions.
Most of you guys just email me anyway, so for those of you that would like to comment, please just send an email. I may just start a blog somewhere else, but if I do I'll let you guys know. It's actually really annoying so I'll figure something out. In the meantime I have a problem that maybe you can help me with. I have a guy that works under me who I was told I will be directly supervising from now on. The problem is that he's incredibly lazy and most times will do anything to get out of work. I've told him that he can't be sitting there staring into space while there's work to be done, but he continues to do it. I think he was given to me because nobody else wanted to deal with, but it's going to be a real pain in the ass. We're not friends, and I'm sure we won't get along all that well, but I have to be willing to help him improve and I'm not sure that I can do that.
help.

beauty and the beast

2005-10-24T11:43:00.000+02:00

The month was so wonderful, I of course ate too much, and drank too much, and worked too much, but I had a great time. Was it because I was away from here for so long, or was it that I just needed a little bit of a break. Unfortunately, you know what they say about too much of a good thing. Actually, I think the problem was that I got lonely. Sure I met some interesting people, and the Tuscan food is really to die for, but I was more alone there than I am here, and that's pretty bad. I've gotten comfortable with the loneliness here, but going somewhere beautiful somehow made it worse. You see so many movies that take place in Tuscany and they're always so romantic. I had actually thought about this before I left, but I had talked myself into thinking that it couldn't be all that bad, because, hell, it's Tuscany, there's no way you can feel lonely or bored in Tuscany.
They don't tell you that the wine and the dinners out alone only make the feeling worse. I resigned myself to making the most of a free trip, and getting as much work done as I could. I had a lot of people to see all month and that would be a much needed distraction so after a few days of taking in the countryside and the food I started focusing on work. That was all well and good because it really did work to get rid of the loneliness, but then came the boredom. I know what you must be thinking, because I told myself the same thing many times over the past month. I kept telling myself, "why can't you just enjoy the opportunity that most people will never get?" Things started looking up the last week I was there, because there was very little work left to be done, and so I made a game plan for my last few days there. I went out and got all the guide books I could find and decided to go see all of the things that I knew I would kick myself for not seeing. It turned out wonderful, and I was so tired by the time I got home yesterday, and I couldn't have been more satisfied that I didn't even mind coming in to work today. I'm actually looking forword to going back sometime soon.
...with more company hopefully.

longtime gone

2005-10-23T11:34:00.000+02:00

It's a beautiful Sunday and I've just returned from a long trip, but not even the flight could bring my spirits down today. It's so wonderful being home after a long time of living out of a suitcase and eating from microwaves. As soon as I stepped into my place today I felt such relief that I immediately took a bath and slipped into PJs. I will not be moving from this spot for the rest of the day except maybe to stuff food in my mouth. Although the trip was beautiful I have to say that a month is way to long to spend someplace that you're just visiting. Even the most beautiful place can lose a little luster after a couple of weeks. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I was working and couldn't properly explore the places I wanted to. Oh well, I'm home and I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but for now I'm gonna veg. Too bad there are no delivery places nearby for Indian food...it's my favorite. Tomorrow I'll tell you more about my trip, which was quite nice, but for now I'm gonna eat some cake and watch a little tv...in English.

a not so calm breeze

2005-09-26T16:48:00.000+02:00

I've always wondered how people can live in these horrible places that are either prone to earthquakes, poverty, or tropical storms. I had never really thought that the place that I grew up in had a lot of tornados. Not a lot, not like tornado valley, but close. What makes people stay in these places? New Orleans will never be the same, but in these idiotic and sensless poles that people take many people have said they will go back and rebuild. Why? Do people figure that, well, it's already happened once, and it's more of a once in a lifetime thing? I think this is a perfect opportunity to try your luck somewhere else. You're given an opportunity to start your life anew, are you a.) gonna go back and rebuild in the same place? b.)find somewhere close by and try your luck there? b.)go someplace you've always wanted to go? I'd go for b. Hell, nothing is gonna be more scary than what you've already been through, might as well go all out and go big.
I can say these things because I'm not in the situation, but I'd like to think that given the opportunity I would take the chance. I'm greatful that my family is safe and sound, and that I am safe and sound, but my heart goes out to all of those people that have lost homes, families, friends, and their lives. Many people have called it an act of God, but I don't believe that. I believe that sometimes shit happens that we can't control and as easy as it is to blame God, I don't believe there is anyone to blame.
Hurricanes, tsunamis, famine, plague, all of these things are out of my control, but maybe there's something I can do to make it less painful. I realize that the money I donate to the red cross at www.redcross.org isn't much, but it's something, and if nothing else maybe it will help one person, for one day. I've been lucky so far, my life has been blessed, but maybe some day I will need someones help myself, and I will feel better knowing that when others needed help I didn't turn my back on them. I will be back tomorrow on a more cheerful note.

panna cotta

2005-09-20T19:44:00.000+02:00

Seriously, this is really good stuff, but I have to warn you that the measurements are by no means exact and I have only made it once and I had to translate it myself. The lovely T at tisaneforone.blogspot.com asked for this recipe and I hope it turns out as well for you as it did for me. So, here are the ingredients I gathered and how it was actually written:
1 small carton of heavy cream-- written "cream"
2 tbsp sugar--written "a little bit of sugar"
1/2 tsp vanilla-- written "vanilla for taste"
1 tsp unflavored gelatin-- written "powder to make it thick" this took me a while and a few people to translate and this is the closest we could get, but it actually was what was called for.

mix all of it together in a sauce pan over very low heat, don't boil it or it makes a mess. Just heat it until everything dissolves, put it in a dish and refrigerate.

I know it's a poor excuse for a recipe, but believe me it's really good. You put stawberry preserves over it or eat it plane, either way it's awesome. My last trip lasted only a few days, but I got to see some old friends that I hadn't seen in a while. I didn't do a whole lot of work due to technical difficulties so I got to spend a lot of time with my friends catching up. All in all it was a really good trip. I'm not looking forward to the next one, but from what I hear that may not come for a few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I had rental car problems...
I went to Budget rental cars, who I had used before and had been very satisfied with, and rented a car for a few days. I had gone to inspect the car with the attendant, and everything looked good. Well when I returned the car the attendant looked the car over and found a small dent on the rear bumper that was extremely hard to see. He asked if I hit anything and I said no. He filled out the paperwork and he said to go inside to the desk and check talk to them inside. The guy at the desk called the attendant and said that I owed 375 Euro extra for "extensive" damage to the car, he procedes to tell me that he always has problems with american returning their cars damaged, and how they should really stop renting to us. I snatched the contract from the guy and told him it was ridiculous and I wanted to speak to the manager. I said "I want you to walk outside with me and take a look at the "extensive" damage that this jerk is talking about." We go outside and he looks at the bumper and can't find the dent. He looks and and asks the guy and he still can't find it. I finally point it out to him and he apologizes about a hundred times before he says that he isn't going to charge me for the damage because he doesn't know if the first attendant just couldn't see it. I normally just let things go, and had this happened to me a year ago I probably would have paid the extra money and ran, but as I've said many times before here, I'm though letting people walk all over me. I probably should do what friend Tisane did recently: http://tisaneforone.blogspot.com/2005/09/importance-of-good-customer-serviceand.html
I felt embarrassed and automatically thought of maybe telling my company of my experience and suggesting we don't use them anymore, but I hate to do that based on an isolated incident. Besides it was more the comments of the guy at the desk that made me mad than anything else and I told the manager about it before I left. We'll see how I feel about it in the morning. I will be back soon...
p.s.
Thanks Jeff.

GRRRRRRRR

2005-09-14T12:28:00.000+02:00

I had a really long, really wonderful post written and I lost it.
I think it was because I was happy.
Maybe because I've had too much wine.
Believe me...it was really good, but I'll summarize.
I ran into an Italian neighbor on Tuesday at the grocery store.
She invited me to dinner (I had dialogue in my last post... you missed out)
I accepted because she basically told me that she wanted me to meet her nephew who she kept referring to as her niece. I was really not wanting to go cause he kinda looks like a movie mafia guy.
I show up and Franco, the nephew, is cooking and it's the most wonderful delicious meal ever.
Menu: (I had recipes for the dolce, but too bad for you, maybe next time)
1st course: melon wrapped in prosciutto
2nd course: pasta with eggplant
3rd course: Mussles alla Venezia
dolce: Panna Cotta

They always eat like this, but this was by far the most wonderful meal I've had in years.
I had such a great time talking to them even though they didn't speak much English.
My Italian is poor and their English is poor, but we managed quite well.
I was so nervous coming over cause I was expecting the Godfather, but I had such a wonderful evening. I screwed up and took the wrong kind of wine over, but they were gracious enough not to mention it. Had I known we were gonna have seafood I would have been better prepared. Franco is a wonderful man, but it was obvious to both of us that our inability to understand each other would be a hinderance to pursuing a relationship. I met some great people and I'm really excited. I've lived there for over a year and a half, and this is the first time I speak to them. I'm sorry that I didn't meet them sooner. I'm invited over when I come back from my trip. She told me that I could come over for dinner any time and she would make sure Franco was there. I'm so sad about my lost post, but hopefully I'll be able to give more detail next time.
So my wine is almost gone, but I'd like to offer a toast.
Here's to new friends.

Planning for the future

2005-09-12T11:46:00.000+02:00

Having the job that I do and setting roots don't exactly go together. I've been trying to work on my long term plans lately and I seem to be getting nowhere with it.
I always thought that by my age I would be settled and I would have a family, and home. Things haven't worked out that way for me as most of you know. I have no home, no family, not even pets. What I do have is:
a full passport
a trunk full of fotos
a handful of friends
exotic furniture
and one very sad looking plant.
I'm not complaining. I can't complain. I've been on a working vacation for the past 6 years and I've loved every minute of it. I've met some really nice people, some not so nice people, and some people that I would rather never think of again, but I'm sure that happens everywhere. I've had a unique experience in which I've lived on most every continent in the past few years, and I've seen places and things that most people only dream of...
What has escaped me, and what I would like now, are roots.
I want the husband, kids, morgage and car payments. I may never have that kind of life, but what would this world be like everyone had exactly what they wanted?
I know that we can't have everything and you make decisions in life that pretty much determine the direction you're life will go.
I want, not more, but something different.
I'm ready to go home, and I'm ready to settle. I'm going to start looking into real estate and possibly buying a home somehwhere. There lies yet another problem. Where do I want to go? All of these decisions that I'm really looking forward to making, but there's gonna be a lot of soul searching. Up until now my decisions were pretty much spur of the moment, because that's how I've been living my life. I used to be a planner back in the day before I decided to accept this job, but now I don't have time for that. I'm told from one day to the next if I'm going somewhere, and most times I don't know where or when until I see the tickets. I'm ok with that. I have been, but it leaves little room for myself. I think that most days I just want to relax and watch tv and the only thing keeping me from that is that I have to pay bills and do laundry and clean house to get ready for the next trip. No big deal. I have no ties.
...but I want some. The first big step is change of careers, or jobs.
...i start looking tonight. I have all week to research and get things started, but come Friday, I'm off again, hopefully only for a few days, but you never know. Things have been really crazy lately. I'll see...
...you'll see.

brief

2005-09-12T09:53:00.000+02:00

I hope everyone is well, and I hope you can give me just a half day or so to gather my thoughts. I'll post as soon as I can and I promise I'll make it better than what I can offer you right now. All I need is a few hours and I'll give you the goings on. I'll try tonight to post some pictures. I missed writing so I'm sure my post will be too long even for those of you that have left countless emails that I unfortunately couldn't get to.
Until then...

sleepless nights

2005-08-01T11:38:00.000+02:00

As we get older the harsh reality of death begins to set in. I never really thought about it much before last year except in broad terms. Contemplating ones own death or the death of a loved one is a frightening thing. My grandfather passed away last year, along with one of my dad's brothers. The thing is, I've been thinking about death a lot lately. My father was diagnosed as a diabetic a few months ago and since then I've been thinking about my parents health and I talk to them often, obsessively. I know it's a fact of life, but I'm very close to my parents, and the thought of having to live without them someday makes my chest hurt, and I break out into a sweat. I thought, maybe it's because in thinking about them dying it makes me realize that I am going to die, and that scares me more, but that's not what it is at all. My life is complete and has been for a long time because of my family. They are my rock. I've been away for a long time, and my life away is always fast and it's like I'm always spinning. I've got places to go, work, school, travel, friends, and everything in between that amounts to very little sleep.
Then I go home.
I've spent entire days lying on the couch with my head on my mother's lap talking about book, or family, or music, or playing cards, or dominos with my dad and just enjoyed their company. They give me peace. Once or twice a year, I go home and I decompress. They take me and they love me, and for a short while I'm steady and quiet, and I feel lighter than even a week at a spa could do. I've never taken them for granted, but I sometimes wonder if spending so many years away from them was such a good idea. I have to live my life and see where it takes me, I know that. I've seen and done some amazing things that most people will never get the opportunity to do. My life has truly been blessed.
I'm single, I get incredibly lonely sometimes because it's so hard for me to meet people, but I've taken comfort in my family. Now that I've been thinking about death so much I wonder what will happen to me when they die?
I know I'll be fine, deep down I know it.
Deep down I also feel that for the first time in my life I'll be really alone.

2005-07-27T18:57:00.000+02:00

I was checking out Pisa recently and was laughing my ass off at all the tourists taking pictures of themselves holding up the tower. I couldn't believe how many people actually did that. I'm gonna get one next time holding up the church next to it.

basic instinct my ass

2005-07-27T18:27:00.000+02:00

I have a friend.
I love when stories start out this way because you never know if the person really has a friend, or if they're actually talking about themselves.
You decide.

I have a friend that fancies herself in love. Although she says she loves this guy, who we'll call "Jack" she keeps saying that she refuses to tell him because she doesn't want him to get the wrong idea in case he doesn't feel the same way. She thinks that by telling him that she loves him she has opened herself up for rejection because she has taken the relationship to the next level when he may be happy with it where it is. He's a great guy who actually enjoys spending time with her. I wonder, is it possible for this guy to hear her out, acknowledge that she loves him, not feel the same way, and continue on with the relationship and see if it will eventually lead to love? Or will he say "screw this, I don't need her to be pushing me into something that I'm not ready for." Maybe it will be her who will be hurt that he doesn't feel the same way and push him away because she doesn't see he relationship is going anywhere.
Why are relationships so hard, and why is it that sometimes things could be going great and one person just can't be happy with great?
What are things so complicated when both of you know exactly what you want, but all you can say is "I don't know" when you're asked what your feelings are. Are we afraid that whatever we want won't be what the other person wants to hear? What the hell is wrong with us?
Honestly, I'm not talking about myself, because if you know me, you know that just talking to people of the opposite sex makes me want to vomit. I really wish I wasn't so shy around guys, cause that way I'd probably get a lot more "action". Oh well...if you have any anwers for my friend about this age old dilema perhaps you could shed a little light.

little italy

2005-07-11T21:32:00.000+02:00

It's been rainy and kind of dreary here lately, but this time of year is usually the most beautiful in this part of Italy because the mountain are so green and beautiful. The clouds floating around the mountains as I'm driving to work in morning are my favorite site. I drove down to Pisa not long ago and the drive through Tuscany was absolutely breathtaking. I know that after a while things fade and they loose the luster they held when everything was new and foreign, but in the past year and a half the beauty of this country never ceases to amaze me. Very few people get the opportunity that I have gotten to travel all over Europe for work. Some really sad things have happened in my life that I don't choose to dwell on, and some wonderful things have happened that I probably don't dwell on enough, but I have to say that I have been truly blessed. I hope that some day you guys can come and see for youself the history, culture, and wonderful people that Europe has to offer. I may not be here under desirable circumstances, but I'm here and I plan on making the most of it.
Last night as I sat on my balcony drinking a glass of red wine, and enjoying the wonderful weather at a time when it wasn't raining, I breathed in real deep, waved hello to my wonderful Italian neighbors, and wondered how on earth I was ever gonna go back to my real life after so many years of living a dream. All good things must come to an end. As my end draws nearer (I only have about a year and a half left) I try to make lists of all of the things I want to do before I go. I'll never be able to do it, but I'm sure as hell gonna try. There are certain things I miss about being in the states, but I don't miss them enough to be in to big of a hurry to go back.
Then again, I love me some WHATABURGER.

London Calling

2005-07-08T20:23:00.000+02:00

Images of twisted metal, bloodied faces, and screaming children. The stuff that horror stories are made of. Why do we do this to each other? Seems to be one of the most heinous things in the world, hurting the innocent. One might argue that nobody is innocent in this day and age, and they may be right, but nobody deserves this. Our neighbors in England do not deserve this and nobody else deserves this either. In our hour of need England stood by us, and united with us, and vowed to help us fight terrorists...terrorists, there really isn't a more appropriate word, except for maybe cowards.
My prayers are with the people in England and with the families of those that died yesterday. I hope that one day our children can look back on this and be able to say, our parents helped get rid of these people that aim to hurt the innocent. We can try. We can stand together and try. It's the least we can do. We owe our children that much.

2005-06-29T20:47:00.000+02:00

2005-06-29T20:46:00.000+02:00

U2 Dublin

www.one.org

2005-06-29T19:44:00.000+02:00

Ok so I haven't posted in ages...
I know, I know, I suck...
I've had a very eventful two weeks as a matter of fact, thank you for asking. I did something way, way cool. I along with thousands of other people from across Europe got together for a little show called "Vertigo". I can't even begin to tell you how awesome it was to see U2 live in concert in their hometown of Dublin. It turns out that my neighbors were there too and I didn't even know they were going...wierd. I had such a good time, and I came away with a little bit of world awareness...like you do.
If you get a chance please visit www.one.org. I know you guys have heard about the Live 8 concerts, but please look into this...do it for me...ok do it for your mom...ok just do it damn it.
I know I'm always bugging you guys about different charities, but I promise I'm not a tree hugger or a Sally Struthers type. Here's the thing. I firmly believe that no child should live in these conditions. You have a couple of bucks you were gonna spend on smokes, porn, cokes, candy, a gossip magazine, non essentials....etc. Perhaps you should consider going without one useless purchase for one day and send that money to a child who hasn't eaten in weeks that will eventually die of starvation. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, cause I know that doesn't work for most of you, but you know how my birthday came up not too long ago and you keep telling me my gift is in the mail, even though we both know you never sent me anything, well take that money and make a donation to one of thousands of charities. I'll even let you chose your own...just kidding. Look, I'm not a saint and I spend money on useless crap like U2 concerts and trips I don't need to take, but part of my paycheck also goes to charity so it's not like I'm asking you to do something that I'm not willing to do myself. I've been doing this for years, but think about it. If I can get just one of you guys to do this than you just saved some little girl or little boys life...you touched someone...you brought hope to one child that is probably the same age as one of your own.
Here's my plea...I'll do this once or twice a year. Hopefully you guys aren't as heartless as people say...1 child every three seconds dies of hunger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY THREE SECONDS. Do you know how many kids died in the time it took you to read this...why are we letting this happen??????
Ok...so as you can see I'm very passionate about this. I've given up my post time to tell you about it and not complained or boasted about my trivial problems...
Puts things into perspective doesn't it? My life is actually incredible considering how it could have turned out.

much better

2005-06-21T07:51:00.000+02:00

things are good this week. I'm back in the groove, and not everything I touch is turning to crap. i only wish that things had gotten better last week at least by the weekend. i know, i know, everyone has bad weeks, but things had been quickly adding up, and were starting to spiral out of control...
...i'm better now.
EVERYONE i know is pregnant. you might be asking yourself if that's possible, and i'm here to tell you that yes indeed it is. if i know the person they are most definately knocked up. as ugly as that term sounds knocked up, i think it's been used the most in the past couple of weeks.
"Guess what!!!!! I'm knocked up!!!"
"Hey, did you hear? So and so is knocked up!"
"I'd really like to knock her up!"

ok so that last one doesn't really apply, but seriously people it just doesn't sound like such a beautiful thing when you put it that way. maybe we should come up with one term that everyone can agree on that doesn't sound so awful.
I heard one person use sloppy knocked up. i guess it could always be worse. I'd always thought that I would have children by now, but i guess i still have time....right? I don't want to be to old to play with my kids and its looking like thats the direction i'm headed. i guess at this point i should really reconsider the kids thing.

who knows, maybe i'll marry someone really young that can take care of me and my kids when we're crapping our pants.
sorry mom.

the worst week of my life

2005-06-17T11:43:00.000+02:00

Everything that could possibly go wrong this week, has gone wrong. What kind of bullshit is that? I guess everyone has weeks like this. I'll have to post next week when all is once again right with the world and the planets realign. Until then...

choices, gas, bad food

2005-05-26T18:48:00.000+02:00

Check it out, the date went ok.
How sad is that? It went ok meaning I didn't think he was a jerk and we didn't come to blows. He did try to poison me, but that was an accident and I hate to hold that against the guy. So here's the scoop:
I got there late because there was a little problem with the directions, dinner was ready and I brought over a bottle of wine to loosen us both up a little bit. I got the feeling that I was gonna be nervous when I got there so I came prepared. Conversation was a little forced and we didn't really know what to share and what not to share. Evidence of his kids was, of course, scattered all over the house so I looked around abit and asked a little about his kids. He made dinner and it was ok. Not great, but I loved that he tried. He was doing ok until we sat down to watch a movie and he sat almost on my lap. As we watched the movie, he kept trying to get even closer and kept grabbing for my hand. I would play with my hair, and fix my shirt just so I wouldn't have to hold his hand through the whole movie. I'm not sure what "moving to fast" mean, but I'm sure it's not that. The thing is that I really thought he was moving a bit fast. (keep in mind that I don't do this often.) As the movie was ending my stomach started making wierd noises, but I tried to play it off a little. Then they started getting louder. Then the boiling stomach started...you know what I'm talking about. I told him that I had to get going and that I had to get up early, but I seriously thought I was gonna have serious problems if I didn't leave there in a hurry. He walked me to the door and then just held my had for a while. staring into my eyes as I'm thinking, "I'm gonna explode right here. I hope he doesn't want to kiss me cause I'm not feeling in a very kissy mood right now...oh god he's licking his lips, oh god i'm gonna go right here!" I managed to make up some lame excuse and told him that maybe next time we could hang out longer. As I was driving home all I could think about was what bush looked big enough for me to pull over and not get seen by oncoming traffice or the cops. I made it home, barely, and as I sat there on the "room that saved my life." I thought:

That was the worst date ever.

runaway advice

2005-05-23T19:16:00.000+02:00

Ok my peeps, here's the deal...wait for it...wait for it...

I am a fashion victim. I'm a t-shirt and jeans girl all the way. I haven't been on a date in about a couple, two, three years. That would be really funny if I wasn't serious, but alas...
whatever, I really need help...what does one wear on a first date with a married man?
ok, seriously, all joking aside...I need your help here people. I was thinking of going with my usual, but perhaps since i actually have an occasion for dressing up, maybe I should, but what to wear? This date is tomorrow, so bring it on.

I would like to share what my sister wrote to me after my last post...
God love her.

Well I can't believe you were asking advice about going on a date to strangers! I can't believe you're actually considering going on a date with a married guy!!!! Is he cute? That's beside the point, you should really reconsider this thing. I hope you're not seriously thinking about going through with this. He's married for god's sake. I guess you're gonna do what you want , but you should really think about this.

Wear something nice, let me know how it goes.

seriously sis, you're a crack head. What the hell were you thinking writing this?

devine intervention

2005-05-22T20:16:00.000+02:00

not really.
My trip got delayed for a few days and I will not be leaving till Friday. I was actually looking forward to this trip and I got a phone call from "Darth Vadar" and she says, "unpack, you're not going anywhere for a week. I expect to see you at work on Monday." What the hell does that mean...where else would I be? Anyways, so I'm not going anywhere and since I couldn't get a hold of anyone at home I hope you read this and give me a call.
This morning I woke up with the most horrid headache and I got up, had breakfast, took a shower and went back to bed. I woke up, sat on the couch and haven't moved since except to slump over and again fall asleep. I hope I'm just trying to catch up on sleep.

New: I have a date on Tuesday. First date, but he's cooking dinner for me.
Dilema...he has two kids and is in the process of getting a divorce. Should I reconsider, or just proceed with caution? I don't even think this is such a good idea. I see red flags everywhere. what should I do? ANY ADVICE WOULD BE WELCOME!

what jet plane?

2005-05-20T19:15:00.000+02:00

I'm gonna be gone for about a week or two on business.

I won't be posting for a week or two.

I will be away from my home for a week or two! Don't call the police, don't send search parties, don't send trackers. I'm going away for a week or two on business.

Ok now that that's done for the benefit of someone who's name we'll change to protect the innocent. We'll call this person "Mom."

I have this fear of flying, it's not really the dying part that scares me, but the screaming people, fear, and falling that scares me. Wierd.
I always download a bunch of songs that I think will relax me, but that never really works because I have to turn down my headphones so that I can listen for mysterious noises that could signal the first step in my horrible death...wouldn't want to miss that.
I fly all the time, twice a month at least, and I still can't get used to it. It's no longer a paralyzing fear, only mild terror, so yeah, maybe there is progress.
I have this theory that if there are babies or nuns on the plane all is good, cause well you know, God likes them. I know that this is absolute crap, but for some insane reason it really does make me feel better to see a baby or a nun as I'm standing in line waiting to get on the death trap. I'll look around while I'm standing there, not realizing I'm holding my breath till I see one of those two and it all comes gushing out. If I see both...we're in for a great ride.

I'm an idiot.

I'll be back IN A WEEK OR TWO.

no more waiting

2005-05-19T16:42:00.000+02:00

Well I've come to some realizations recently and I don't really know how I feel about them. I'm down about a couple of things but mainly about how people treat me. I'm nice to people, I don't throw out advice, I listen, and I'm a good friend. All I ask for in return is for the same God Damn Courtesy! When I've helped you through countless CRISIS don't turn around when I tell you I'm a little down about something (which I hardly ever do), and say "You know what your problem is?" This is why I don't tell you anything. I'm sorry T, it's not you I'm talking about, and I know you like to say that to me all the time, but you at least know me from birth...my friends only know what I let them know.
...does that make me a bad friend too? also, he didn't call...i haven't heard from him at all.
I feel very lonely, but here's my decision...

I've decided that I'm not gonna wait anymore!

I'm not gonna wait for him to call...which I pretty much knew wouldn't happen, but you gotta hope don't you?
I'm not gonna wait for other people to decide what they want to do before I make a decision.
I'm not gonna refrain from saying things because they may hurt someones feelings...especially if that someone doesn't give a shit about hurting mine. (this is a stretch)
I'm not gonna put my life on hold for anyone.
I'm not gonna give up on wanting more out of life.
I'm not gonna wait for my life to change, I'm gonna try to change it myself.
I'm not gonna wait for that ding in the microwave that tells you when your food is done...I'm gonna tell it when my food is done.
I'm not gonna wait.

nightmare

2005-05-15T22:04:00.000+02:00

I had a nightmare. My youngest brother came home acting really suspicious and walking from room to room in a house I didn't really recognize. I don't think it was the house I grew up in, but it was from the outside. Everything was dark. No electricity anywhere. The cops showed up and they kept yelling for someone to turn on the lights, but we couldn't. I went out to tell them that, but they started walking over to where my family was gathered outside. I don't know why they were all there suddenly, but they were. The cops started talking to my parents and one of my aunts was there. My aunt turns around and starts yelling something about the lights and is pointing at me, as if telling me, "you, go turn on the lights." One of the police officers just starts shooting all of them. My aunt from behind, then my parents, and they don't stop shooting for what seems like a long time. When they finally stop I ask why they shot my family and they say that it looked like my aunt was pointing a gun so they just started shooting.

I don't really want to go back to sleep. I think I'll stay up and watch a movie...
...Perhaps Shrek, there are no guns in Shrek are there?

no posts, no word

2005-05-12T21:50:00.000+02:00

I haven't posted this week because there's nothing to report. With school there really isn't much time for anything else so unless you want to hear about how my prof is a crazy, psychotic, amazon, who get's sick pleasure out of making us call her pussy--not her name--then there really isn't much to tell.

Come to think of it, that would be a really good story, but I have neither the energy, nor the desire to type too much right now. I still haven't heard from H, but he's also still on his business trip so there's still nothing to say about that.

Sorry this was crap...
...my bad.

rain, food, housekeeping

2005-05-08T19:26:00.000+02:00

This is a boring post so I seriously suggest you stop reading now and find something else to do instead of wasting a few precious minutes of your life. Seriously, go. Ok, if you insist...

I hate rainy days, no not rainy days, rainy months. I don't know what it is about this place, but every year they get a rainy season and it lasts for months it seems. It's been raining here for a good month and a half straight and it's driving me mad. I can't believe they deal with this rain and they don't go absolutely crazy. Not much you can do outdoors when it's like this and for those of us that like doing stuff outdoors it kills about two months out of the year. Two months when it isn't freezing cold, or blistering hot. There really is not place with good weather here in Europe. Ok I'm exagerating, but seriously it's driving me crazy.

I have completely given up on finding good nonItalian food here. I went out for Mexican the other day nearby and I guess you could say that I'm only alive now due to the miracles of modern medicine. I should have learned my lesson after the whole "Chinese experience," and the "Indian escapade." Why oh why do I do this to myself. Oh yeah, I love food. I'm not fat, but i'm not what you would call skinny either. I'm healthy in every way. It's a good thing I work out otherwise I would be in a lot of trouble, but I digress. As far as finding other cuisine here in Italy it's been quite a challenge. I've been to may different countries and never gotten sick off of "exotic" food, but not so here. Oh well, I'm sure this won't keep me from looking for the perfect Korean restaurant, but you'd think it would.

My apartment at this moment looks like a hurricane has gone through it, but I don't much care. I try to keep it pretty clean, but this weekend, with the the rain, and the laziness, I haven't really done much in the form of cleaning. I figure I can alway catch up on that during the week. Why, well because this is the first weekend where I'm not rushing off somehwhere, or meeting anyone, or doing much of anything. I'm actually feeling pretty good about my mess right now. I'm sure that when I wake up in the morning and am getting ready for work I'll feel much different. Oh well, that's life I guess. I'll deal with it tomorrow.

foolish? darth vader

2005-05-02T19:56:00.000+02:00

A mutual friend of mine and the boy we will refer to as H, told me today that he was on a business trip for a month to Baltimore, and that he hadn't heard from him since he left. He then asked me if I had heard from him. I told him that I had not. "Oh well, that's H, I'm sure we'll hear from him when he gets back." I don't speak guy. I'm terrible at it. I'm not even sure how to decipher the behavior to try to figure out what it means. Did I jump to conclusions and is he just the kind of guy that isn't good at writing or calling? I know from my end of it, when I go on business trips it's hard for me to keep in touch with people.
DID I OVERREACT? Will there ever be world peace???? All questions without answers. I guess we go back to wait and see, but in the meantime I will entertain you with Tails from the Dark Side. My boss (henceforth to be known as darth vader) called me into her office today to let me know that although she was very pleased with my work and there had been no complaints from the other section heads she was was concerned about my management skills...I have two people that work under me in my shop...and she felt that I was a silent leader. Really?
How in the name of all that is good and righteous in this world can she possible say that I'm a silent leader when, throughout the day, she never even steps foot in my shop? The one time she came in and confiscated our production numbers to show the head guy what her department had done.
I have to admit that when it comes to production we are all over it.
...anyway I don't really care about her numbers or anything else that has to do with what goes on outside my shop door, but for someone to come and take credit for something that I've done and then criticize the way I'm running my shop really pisses me off.
Unfortunately she happens to be right, but I really think it's the approach that bothers me. Oh well, I guess that's what happens. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the section heads and just to be an ass I'm gonna show up late. I like watching her face get purple when she's mad.

Apologies

2005-05-01T21:40:00.000+02:00

I'm sorry to all of the people I've hurt in the past. I'm sorry for all of the mistakes that I've made in my life. I'm sorry for all the things that I've done with good intentions that have turned to crap. I'm sorry if I've been a terrible friend. I'm sorry if I've been a terrible sister or daughter. I'm sorry if I've somehow let you down in the last 31 years.

No, this is not a suicide note.
It's at the times when someone has hurt you so much that you think to yourself, I hope that I've never hurt someone like this. I can be a horrible person, but I really am sorry if I've ever hurt you. Whether I get along with you or not, I'm sorry.

It's always in the last place you look

2005-04-29T22:28:00.000+02:00

I hate, hate when people say this! I don't understand why this phrase even exists...Who was the first jerk who said this?
If you don't understand why I hate this term then you and I need to have a serious discussion...Yes, you.
Have I ever mentioned that I think my supervisor may be a high functioning autistic? I'm afraid to use this term because I hate to put down high functioning autistics. I think she may be one of the worst people that I have ever encountered in my life. She can manage to piss me off with just being in the same room. There are several reasons for my strong feeling toward this person, but the main one is how she treats people. I don't care who you are, there is no reason to belittle someone, especially in front of other people. She hasn't done this to me personally, but I have witnessed this done to other people, and I am at once pissed off and embarrassed for them.
...Anyways, yesterday morning I was having some issues and I couldn't find my stinkin keys anywhere. I looked all over the apartment, and in a last ditch effort completely emptied all of my drawers onto the floor trying to find them. After looking everywhere, sitting down to think for five minutes, getting up to look again, having some coffee, and finding them on my door knob, I realized I was already way late for work. I called my boss and I told her that I had a problem, but I would be there in 20 minutes...Which was a blatant lie cause it takes me at least a 1/2 hour to get to there. So I sped halfway there, saw a Carabinieri (federal police), slowed down, sped up again when they were out of sight, and made it there in 45 minutes. I took me that extra 15 minutes to finish my coffee. So I got to work, and there she was, glaring at me waiting for my explanation, with about 30 people standing around watching. I explained everything to her, and since I hadn't ever been late to work before I thought for sure she would understand. Oh how wrong I was. "I have to say that I cannot hide my disappointment in your total disregard for 'company policy' I expected so much more from you than this, but I see that I was completely mistaken in my judgment of you." WHAT? Because in more than a year of working for your dumb ass I show up late once this is how you're going to treat me. I had a mind to quit right there and then, but really I get way to much amusement in the day to day goings on of this place to leave. So I replied with, "Ma'am I really think you shouldn't have had such a high opinion of me in the first place, cause I can tell you right now that that can only end in disappointment." Although I could tell she was incredibly upset about this (and I think she was trying to think of something equally retarded and childish to say to me) she only stood there and said nothing, much to my own disappointment. I said, "I'm afraid that I've already wasted to much time of this precious day and should really get to work."
I was totally amazed that this whole last part of the conversation was gone, stricken from the record as if I had never made this rather crappy remark to her.

As I was walking away she said to me, "I'm glad you found your keys.
They're always in the last place your look."
Jerk

sad music, crap food, and boredom

2005-04-27T08:59:00.000+02:00

Why do we do these things to ourselves? I really hate listening to sad music when I'm depressed. I hate listening to sad music when something bad happens to you...what's the freakin point? Shouldn't you listen to fast upbeat music to try to liven your mood? Why do we insist in wallowing in our own self pity. I am a little down about this guy (actually I'm quite a bit down) but do I really need to reemphasize that I'm hurt and make myself feel worse by listening to SAD.FM? NO!
Enough of that.
I had some really bad pizza from a takeout place down the street today...should there be bad pizza places in Italy? I feel really sick right now, and I'm pretty sure that if I don't die of dysentery, I will end up losing about 15 pounds after I'm done throwing up...So yay for me.
Normally the food at this takeout place is really good though and this is the first time that I've gotten something there that has made me feel this way...but since I don't feel good, this joint will now be forever tainted...one bad incident.
There are few things worse than being hurt by someone and being bored on top of that. I sat at home listening to something that made me want to throw myself out the window, and when I was done with that it was really hard for me to do anything afterwards. I have this thing about not talking to people about my problems...I mean nobody. Some people deal with things very, very openly. I am one of those people that would rather deal with it internally and move on. To bad for you that this venue exists. For me it's great cause I don't actually ever have to talk to anyone about my problems. Anyways, after listening to sad music, and finishing my ebola pizza, I had nothing left to do. I didn't want to go out in public looking like a train wreck and I didn't really want to do much of anything else. I laid in bed for the better part of the evening knowing I had homework to do, but not having the desire to even move my eyes from side to side, I decided that at this point I didn't care if I failed.
What say I go back to my original plan of being on my own...That was actually working out really well for me. I think I may have suffered a mild stroke which would explain my loss of reason with this guy. Who knows, all I know is that unfortunately it made me realize that I really liked having someone...Who liked me. As you may have guessed I'm quiet and not very good at meeting people so it makes things really difficult for me.
Oh well, you can't have everything.

long weekends

2005-04-24T21:54:00.000+02:00

As much as it pains me to say this, I have to admit that I'm glad the weekend is over. It's 10pm and pretty soon I'm going to be going off to bed. I welcome sleep. My ongoing hatred of the media has become an obsession with me. I refuse to turn on the tv when the news is on...Even though I could watch something else. I refuse to stop at the newspaper stands, no matter how much the picture on the cover is calling to me. I just refuse. I estimate this my boycott will last until tomorrow when I decide that my coffee just won't taste the same without my morning paper. I will probably find something the paper that will infuriate me all over again, and my campaign to rid the world of the press will continue...Until Tuesday morning. I see a vicious cycle here. I wish I knew how to get past this, but I don't see that there will be any type of resolution. It doesn't matter. Perhaps when I become president, or pope I'll be able to do something about this, but until then I'll just continue to bitch about it here.
...You don't mind right guys?
Anyways, the new guy that I mentioned before well, it started out real good, him calling all the time, and now nothing. Not for a week or so. We'll see how that goes. I really like him though, and I'm thinking this probably isn't a good sign. Started out calling everyday. Told me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me. Now, nothing. I really suck at this.
Perhaps I'll have some better news tomorrow...but probably not.

updates

2005-04-24T02:25:00.000+02:00

A while back I wrote about a girl that was going to be staying with me...well she was going to be staying at my house. Well I completely forgot about the whole incident till I went back and read a comment from Jeff. This girl ended up not staying here because when the time finally came for her to come by and pick up a key she threw this at me,

Her: Hey SG I was wondering if my boyfriend, who is visiting from ND, can stay also.
Me: Well I don't really know, my place is kinda small and I'm gonna be gone for a few weeks. I don't know if that's such a good idea, cause I don't really know you, and I really don't know your boyfriend.
Her: Oh he's really cool, I only know him from meeting him online, but I think he's cool.
Me: I'd rather he didn't stay here.
Her: I can vouch for him
Me: I doubt that. I can give you guys the names and numbers of some hotels in the area if you like.
Her: Don't bother, If you won't let him stay I'm not staying either.

This last bit she said as a threat. I'm a fairly nice person and I'll help anyone out if they really need it, but I draw the line at inviting absolute strangers into my home. I'm not crazy.
So needless to say, she didn't stay, and I haven't heard from her since. Thanks Jeff, for reminding me about that.

Ok, here goes the change of pace...direction...whatever.
I'm dating someone.
Please no questions. I know you guys are gonna start asking questions, and this is fairly new. I'm not sure how things are going, but I really like this guy. This is the first person that I've fallen for in years, and it scares me because the very few other times that I've felt like this I've ended up in tears and devastation. One of these days I'll give you guys a play by play of how things usually go for me. Unfortunately I fall for the same type of guy everytime. I'm a sucker for a sense of humor, I don't care about looks, or money. I tend to fall for the man's man. The football guy. The guy that's more interested in hanging out with his buddies than with me. Why? My sister says that I always fall in love with the guys who will never fall in love with me. If that's true then where do I go from there? I'm hoping for the best. What choice do I have?
Here's to something new...what choice do we have.

2005-04-22T19:43:00.000+02:00

Santorini, I've decided I'm going to live here. What an amazing Island. the people are so awesome.

Long distance relationships, news, and school

2005-04-22T18:50:00.000+02:00

Ok, so everyone has a different opinion on the long distance relationship...Correction, everyone but me. I don't really know anything about them and the trials and tribulations. If you are truly in love with someone...Whatever that means...Does it matter if the person is here or in there? Will it work out because you're in the same city, or because you made it work? Would it have worked out had you been together? Wouldn't a long distance relationship be the ultimate test? I often believed that it was a good thing to spend time apart from your significant other so that you would know if it would last.
Boy meets girl
Boy falls in love with girl
Girl falls in love with boy
Girl has to leave the country for business for a year or so
Boy decides it's not what he wants
or...
Girl doesn't decides she wants to date while she's away
or...
Girl and Boy figure out a way to visit and close the gap somehow while she's gone
All relationships take work, I hate when people say that he/she is very high maintenance. Aren't all relationships high maintenance? Doesn't everything in life that's worth having take a lot of work? I wonder if I've ever actually been in love. A friend told me recently that he knew for a fact that he had never been in love, because he had never once been with a girl and thought, "If you ever leave me, I'll fucking kill you." He said that he had heard someone say that somewhere and it had stuck with him. As Psychotic and Deranged as that sounds I can completely understand where he's coming from. I don't think that I've ever been totally consumed by another person. I think that someday I would like to know what that's life, but maybe not. The devastation left behind if it didn't work out would be incredible. It's bad enough breaking up or being dumped when you feel moderate feelings for someone.
Ok so here goes...I hate the media!
Not much to expand on there. I hate the term "Journalistic Integrity." What the hell does that mean? That's going to be it for that cause I don't want to get pissed off all over again. So I have tons of homework to catch up on this weekend so it's going to be a big do nothing for me. At this point I'm just hoping I don't fail. But if I do fail, I hope I don't fail by a lot.

New friends, wine, and great food

2005-04-18T12:28:00.000+02:00

Tuscany's awesome isn't it? I recently took a trip to Tuscany to try some wines and to try to get away from the cold up here in Venice. I think that everyone had the same idea, because I saw so many people from this area down there. We went to a beautiful place called montalcino and toured some of the wineries there. I am by no means a wine connoisseur, but I tried a wine that I had never heard of, and absolutely fell in love. We met a guy down there that worked for Banfi and he gave us a tour. The wine that I tried is Brunello. Why oh why had nobody told me of this nectar of the gods? I didn't even care that it was a little pricey. If you ever get a chance to come to Italy, make sure you take a trip to montalcino!!!! brunello is made with sangiovese grapes, and I can see why so many people become wine lovers after visiting Tuscany.
the people that I met down there were also wonderful. I met a couple in Siena and they took my friend and I to a lovely little family owned restaurant. The owner came out and had us go down to the wine cellar and pick out our own wines, and then she brought out some uncooked steaks and had us pick one. She sat with us and had a glass of wine and told us all about the wines we were drinking and the food we were about to eat. I've never experienced anything like it in my life. I had expected to be paying A LOT of money, but it turned out to be an extremely inexpensive meal. I was in heaven.
when the food came out I was once again amazed that anything could taste so good. Why are these people not on the map? Why are they not huge and why am I not living there? I imagine that it's way more expensive in the high season than it is now, but I'm going back no matter what the season. It was nice to make so many new friends in such a wonderful place. I know it's been a long time since I've written, but I had been having problems with my internet for awhile and I had also been away from home quite a bit.
my Italian is coming along ok, but it really helped going down to Tuscany on my own because I was forced to use all of the Italian that I knew. They didn't even mind that I occasionally added some Spanish words in there.
I know this reads like a review, but I can't help it. What I wouldn't give right now to be one of those lucky food and wine critics.

my island

2005-03-25T16:13:00.000+01:00

So many things run through your head when you have nothing but time, and so few people to talk to. I can't believe that I've been here over a year already. Nothing would have prepared me for the things that I've done or seen since I've been here. I can't complain because so few people get this opportunity in their lives. Most people never even leave the town they were born in. I'm lucky. I know I'm lucky.
I'm trying to learn Italian and my reasons are purely selfish. Not because I want to learn the culture or because of some sense of duty because I'm in their country, but because I really am lonely. I have a small circle of friends, and they're friends because I have nobody else. Would we be friends were we not all here together in a foreign country....to this I have to answer with an emphatic no. Don't misunderstand me, I like them, and they really are my friends, but were we back home and surrounded by people who spoke english they would not be the people that I would chose to be friends with. I sound like a real asshole, but I can't lie, and they are aware of this. They would never be my friends either.
So my goal is to learn Italian by the end of the year, and hope that I meet people that are a little more like myself. I'm eternally grateful for having met the friends I have now, because I think it's made me really tolerant of people and a much better person, but I need more.
Selfish people suck don't we?

.....and homesick....and regret....and petting zoos

2005-03-17T17:03:00.000+01:00

a day of deap thought and reflection....These are the things that went through my head today all like one long run on sentence.

I don't know what my problem has been lately. How odd that for so long I dreaded the idea of one day having to go back home. I can't believe that so many years have gone by since I last had to ask for permission to stay up an watch a movie, or stay out late. So many years, and so little to show for them. I don't miss those days, but the memories of those days gone by make me wonder what I'm missing. Should I have had a family when I was younger? Should I have picked a different career path? Should I have settled for home? Settle. What a wierd word. Looking at it now it doesn't make any sense to me. Every person looking back on their lives had settled in one way or another. Everyone. It could be the most minute thing, but will you regret it? Over achievers...when they look back on their lives and wish they could have spent more time with their wives, kids, parents or traveling do they regret not having settled? Can you win?

I love when people say "I've done some things I'm not proud of". That's my favorite line, because I always wonder...would you do it different now? You may not be proud that stole that lipgloss or bubble gum when you were 12, but would you do it different? That one thing could be the reason you're such an honest person now...do you hold on to that guilt? I say all kids should steal a pack of gum once in their lives.

I went with my family to a zoo once...well not just once. We went to a zoo in colorado and they had these giraffes there that were in this huge pit. you could walk up to the rail and feed them. I stuck my hand in and the giraffe stuck out it's long tongue and licked a cracker right off of my hand. I remember thinking...what if I were in this pit? Would i be content with kids throwing things at me and licking crackers off of peoples dirty hands? The thing is that what's the alternative? As a giraffe where do I fit in in the food chain, and what are my chances of making it on the outside? Yeah...zoos are cool.

I promise I didn't eat any strange mushrooms, or start any new medication. I just kept daydreaming today, and this is the kind of crap that I think about when that happens.

Maybe tomorrow it'll be all about the Wizard of Oz.

little girls and tonka trucks

2005-02-27T19:13:00.000+01:00

when i was a little girl, i never really did anything exciting. i was number three of five and there was nothing ever really memorable about my childhood. i think my parents loved me, we never could tell...i know now that they do because they tell me all the time. i always wondered if that was because we were out of the house and they didn't really have to deal with us anymore so we were just easier to love. anyways, i was looking at old pictures today because i'm still feeling really sick and i had nothing better to do. in those old pictures nobody looks particularly happy, but i don't remember being unhappy either. i remember going to the rodeo with my dad who has always loved ranch life, and i remember playing with the goats in the back yard, and with the cats and dogs. i remember sitting on the front porch waiting for nothing, just sitting and waiting. i remember not having any dolls and playing with my brothers tonka trucks... i finally got a doll when i was around 12 or so, and i loved that thing so much that it was one of the only things i took with me when i left home, i remember playing baseball in the road and having races down the dirt road barefoot. nothing memorable, nothing wonderful, just waiting. i've traveled all over the world and seen some wonderful places and still sometimes i wonder....
i wouldn't change anything at this point. i love my family and i miss them so much, but still sometimes i wonder...
i need to get over this cold, i think it's making mush of my brain. funny the things we think about when boredom strikes. i'm glad i have to go to work tomorrow, even if i do feel like crap i suppose its better then going jack nicholson, cause i don't know how much longer i can stand nothing but my own company.

illness, travel, and homesickness

2005-02-26T14:31:00.000+01:00

It's been a long time. I can't believe that it's been so long, but so many things played a part in my not writing that one post would not be sufficient. I did keep in touch with my family as best as I could but since its much easier and cheaper for me to do it this way. My fathers birthday was recently and I tried calling him for a few days but wasn't able to get a hold of him. My mother works so I can hardly ever get a hold of her because of the time difference, but I can usually get a hold of my dad...not this time. When I finally got a hold of him yesterday he was upset with me. I asked him why that was, and he said that I was the only one of all of his children that hadn't called him on his birthday....I felt like crap. I tried to explain, but it sounded pretty lame even to me. There are a dozen things I could have done to try to get a hold of him, but they didn't really occur to me and I'm not really sure why. It also didn't help that I send him a gift that never got to him. Well I guess I'll deal and move on and hope that it doesn't take him to long to forgive me. He seems to get more and more sensitive as time goes on. I've been really sick the past couple of days and I'm guessing that by the time I post this it won't make much sense, but I'm feeling crappy, the weather's bad, and I'm a little bit bored. I'll try and keep from getting a high on my cold medicine and finish out this post, but I won't promise anything.

I've been in Italy a year now, and I have to say that I thouht things would be going a lot better than they are. I'm always tired, and pretty lonely but I'll suck it up and make the most of it since I don't really have my of a choice right now. This was my decision, so I guess I better just suck it up and deal.

I better go....this crap doesn't even make any sense to me anymore. I'll write again when I'm not all hopped up on cold medicine and i'm feeling at least a little less pathetic.

HoliDaze

2004-12-22T15:41:00.000+01:00

I'm gonna be away for awhile staying with a friend for about a week. Yay for me.
It came up kinda suddenly, but my friend and I are gonna be going snowboarding and enjoying some wine up in the moutains. I always thought it was cool when people said that they were gonna be going "up to the mountains". Now I get to say it and my mountains are the Alps!...how cool is that? I've been talking to my friends and family a lot more since they, for some reason now think I'm suicidal, but it's been not so bad. My dear special friend RJ, who's my bestest and oldest friend in the whole world (not really, but he asked me to write that in) asked me to take pictures of some hot snowbunnys so I am on a mission. He seems to think that now that my life has no purpose he is going to be my purpose for living. Ummm, ok.

So while I'm away a friend is going to be staying at my house because she has no home at the moment. I don't like sharing a place with other women for reasons that I will not share here, but when my trip came up I told her that if she still needed a place to stay she could definately use my place while I was away. She told me that she would move in tomorrow afternoon when I left. Move in.
I'm gonna have the roommate from hell, I know it. Hopefully I won't have to call the polizia and have her thrown out, cause I'd feel a little bad for her.
She leaves for Sicily for good in a couple of months, but that's a couple of months too long for me to share an apartment with another woman. We'll see how that goes. I will soon be embarking on a new project called New and Improved.
New and Improved what you ask? Well I'll tell you. Some other time, but for now I'll say Merry Christmas and I'll be back after the Holidays.
Lots of love and happiness to all....
Don't you just love cliffhangers?

Dreamscape

2004-12-21T14:03:00.000+01:00

I had a wierd dream last night.

I usually don't remember my dreams, they disappear as soon as I wake up usually (when I manage more than an hour of sleep that is), but last nights was crazy vivid. I'm blaming that damn patch that I've been wearing to help me quit smoking, but to tell the truth I think all it does is make me hungry, cranky, and experience acid induced hallucination style dreams.

The dream went something like this:

I was walking alone through the place where I grew up. There was nobody around that I could see, but I could feel that everyone was there. I was talking to people that I couldn't see and it all seemed freakishly normal. I saw my dad tying my mom to a chair as she sat there and very patiently told him how to tie the knots. It was kinda like she was showing him how to spell his name or something equally retarded.
I walked up to them and asked what they were doing and my mom said that she was trying to make sure that we all didn't blow away during the typhoon...(which for those of you that know where I grew up is impossible). She was making my dad tie up the whole family to chairs so that we didn't blow away.
This seemed like a perfectly sane thing to do to me, and I was standing there waiting for him to tie me up.
So he goes about his business tying everyone up and making sure that they're all strapped in to chairs and the wind starts blowing really hard. My dad grabs a bunch of rope and starts yelling for me to tie him down so I do it like a big dumbass and don't realize till after I've tied him down that there's nobody left to tie me down to the magic chairs that are gonna keep us from blowing away.

I woke up totally pissed off at my dad and I was still pissed up until about an hour ago when I called him and he told me I was a dumbass. *thanks dad*

So I hate dreams...psychoanalysts back off... I hate feeling unrested when I have dreams that I remember, mostly because I don't get enough sleep as it is, and when I do get some sleep it has to be interuppted, by idiotic meaningless broadcasts. It's like watching tv and only getting the German channel. It's pointless!

For those of you wanting to email me with psychobabble about dreams...don't waste your time. As an insomniac I think they're completely pointless. I've heard people talk about interpreting dreams and that kind of nonsense, but I think it's all hooey.

Anyways, I think I'm just patch cranky again. Oh one last thing...it's hard to convey emotion in writing so when you think I'm upset, or bitchy, or hungry, I'm usually not. Unfortunately it's also really hard to convey sarcasm RJ, but I still try my little butter pumpkin.

Sweat Dreams

Too Deep

2004-12-19T19:55:00.000+01:00

Perhaps I should clarify the last post. I think a lot of you read too much into it. I know I can be melodramatic sometimes when I write, but in this case I think I got carried away. All I was really saying is that, well, I'm bored. There used to be so many things that I was planning and doing that I hardly had time to breathe much less watch TV, but now with all that done I've got nothing left...for now. It's not a bad thing guys...I just need to find things to occupy my time till I figure out what I'm gonna do, or what's next.
Being alone is a choice, and it's mine to make. I'm not saying that I don't ever want to speak to anyone again or that I don't want to have friends anymore, all I'm saying is that I want to be alone now.
I've thought about this since my last post and I wonder if I'm so bad off not having a family of my own. I know I wouldn't be able to be alone if I did. Maybe I'm selfish...in that sense. I'll spend Christmas by myself Jeff, because I want to. I've done it before also, and it hasn't been so bad. It's just another day really, but again, I don't have a family and I imagine that it would be pretty hard if I did and I still had to spend Christmas alone.
So to all of you who wrote expressing concern I say this...
I'm glad you're worried about me, but I'm a pretty strong person, and it takes a hell of a lot more than boredom to keep me down.
If I don't post again before then...
Merry Christmas, Happy Kawanzaa, Happy belated Hanukka, and happy Boxing Day.
If I missed anything, I apologize.

Tired

2004-12-17T13:52:00.000+01:00

I've been really tired lately. I don't mean just physically, I mean emotionally also. I seem to be becoming more and more of a loner and I'm not sure that that's such a bad thing. Have you ever seen an old person by them selves and wondered, do they have anyone or will they die alone? I wonder that about myself sometimes, but oddly I don't feel to bad about it. When I wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life it's like I'm wondering what I'm going to buy at the grocery store. It's how I view my life in general...it's something that I have to do do, but what happens when I get there isn't so important really.
We always say that we live for the moment and look forward to doing all the things we want to do in life, but what happens when you have nothing left to look forward to?
I've done so many things in my life, and they've all been wonderful. There hasn't been a single thing that I wanted to do that I haven't gone out and done. So, what happens when there's nothing left and you find yourself going home after a day at work and you find that all you want to do is be alone. What does that mean? There isn't even anything that i'm planning on doing. I've got nothing. I used to just wait for my next big trip, but time goes by so fast and all the places I couldn't wait to see I've already seen, and I've little desire to go back. What happens when you've achieved everything you've wanted to in life?

Maybe I just need to be alone for a while.
Maybe I just need to find the next thing to occupy my time.
Maybe I need to find a new hobby.
Maybe I need to make new friends.
Maybe I need to go home.

I'll figure it out, in the meantime, a little advice.
Don't be in such a hurry to achieve all your dreams. The best part is the anticipation.

Wierd Daze

2004-12-13T14:27:00.000+01:00

I have this thing for children.
I don't have children of my own, and I don't know if I ever will, but I have a soft heart (and head) when it comes to children. Every charity I give to involves children. I even sponsor children from different countries. This time of year I like to put out a word for the MANY childrens charities out there. I know that a lot of people can't afford to donate to charity, much less sponsor a child year round, but you don't need to go all out to make a difference. There's one organization in particular that I'd like to mention and that's Toys for Tots. The Marine Corp does a wonderful job every year donating toys to needy children and they do it all out of the kindness of their heart. Just like the entire military is made up of volunteers, Toys for Tots is made up of marines (the big teddy bears) that volunteer their time to make sure that some of the needy children in our world don't go without Christmas.

I keep thinking about the big picture. People always say that they work hard for their money and they don't do that just to give it away to someone else. I'm glad not everyone shares that view. I can't think of anything better than giving to those in need, especially during the holidays. I asked my family to donate to a local childrens hospital instead of sending me gifts and they've been kind enough to do that for me.

People are always trying to find a place in the world, and I always wonder what my purpose is in life. I know that I'll probably never figure it out, but I think it would be nice to know, at the end of my life, that the world was a little bit better because I was in it, and not the other way around. I won't give you the "Children are our future" spiel. I'm sure we've all heard that before, but what I will say is that it's not their fault they were born.

Computer is still being held, so I guess I'll post when I can, but I'll leave you with one last thing. I'm not overly religious as I've mentioned before, but there is one thing from bible school that has stayed with me over the years and that is that...

...there but for the grace of God, go I.

Long Time Gone

2004-11-30T16:18:00.000+01:00

I know it's been a while, but in my defense my computer is in critical condition. I'm hoping to have it back before the end of this century. The Italians work very slowly as I've mentioned before, but when it comes to things that take some form of expertise, they work even slower. Such is life. Thanksgiving was really good even though I couldn't be with my family....let me refrase that...

Even though I couldn't be with my real family. My extended family here in Italia is actually a good bunch who are making the holidays a little more bearable.

Normally I'm not really big on the holidays because it's been a long time (7 years) since I've actually been with my family at this time. It just so happens that I try to save my vacation time for weddings and funerals...as horrible as that sounds it's something you have to think about when you're so far from home. The good thing is that I'm not the only one in this boat so it's not as bad as you would think.

The Christmas markets have started in Europe and they are the most beautiful sight to behold. Not trying to wax poetic, but seriously, they're gorgeous.

They're like miniature Christmas towns and you can sit at a tent and drink hot spiced wine and enjoy the awesome music, or you can shop till you drop. I personally prefer the wine.

I have to admit that my views on Christmas are a little different from most peoples, but I prefer to spend this time of year doing what I love to do...
reading. I love to read, and around early December I start to look for books that I've been meaning to read. I'll probably buy around five books and try to get through all of them by New Years. If you guys have any suggestions on books I should get, please let me know. I always get good suggestions from my friends except for RJ who seems to be stuck on Dr. Seuss even though I've told him that I already read all of them...about 22 years ago!

Just so you know, a few years ago I was just getting started on gathering book for the holidays and my mom sent me one that she thought I would like... Which turned out to be one of my favorite books...until I saw it on Oprah's list. (What is it about that woman that gives me the creeps?) I couldn't believe that she put it on her list! Not that I have anything against her little book club, cause I think it's great that she encourages people to read, but most of the books on her list suck!

Anyways, the book that my mother sent me was East of Eden, and I have to say that at first when I opened the box and saw that inside I was a little disappointed with my mother. She had sent me a book that I had been forced to read in high school! How dare she! She sent it to me knowing full well that I didn't read it in high school for the simple reason that they were forcing me to do it. (That was actually the extent of my rebellion too.) So whatever, I put the book on the bookshelf and continued to gather the rest on my list for the big holiday read.
I managed to find every book on my list and went through them really quickly. By really quickly I mean that I went through about six books in a week and a half. So I figure, what the hell, and I grabbed the dreaded school book and started reading.
I couldn't put it down. Seriously, I don't know what happened, but I couldn't even get my usual two hours of sleep in cause I couldn't put the damn thing down. I've read that book many times over the past few years and it sucks me in every time.

I'm not a book critic, but I liked the book and that's all that matters so read it!

So if you have a book that you feel this way about please let me know. It's getting hard to find good ones. I'll try to post again sometime, but you may have to wait till I get some money together since the Italians are holding my computer for ransom.

A Post For Jeff

2004-11-12T07:02:00.000+01:00

Hi Jeff, Let me see if I can answer any of these for you...
I forgot to follow up on the following items so here goes.

So many things I'm curious about...what happened with the Halloween party?
Well my neighbor showed up and he had such a good time that he woke up in clown makeup on his doorstep the next morning...he's been asking when the next party is.

....what happened to the West Virginia neighbor?
West Virginia and I have lunch every once in a while on the weekends. She's a shift worker at our village hospital so we're hardly ever home at the same time which is a shame cause we seem to get along really well.

...what happened to the guy who wanted you to tell him he should split up from his wife?
He's still with his wife. I saw them at the market the other day and he was walking behind his wife looking depressed. I guess things haven't really changed but at least he's sticking it out. That sounds wrong somehow doesn't it?

I went to a Turkish bath in Turkey a few years ago. You're right, those are way better than massages. I just haven't been able to find one around here so I have to settle for whatever i can get.
It's almost Christmas market time in Italy and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be sure and take lots of pictures when I'm out and about.

Not Enough Time

2004-11-09T16:44:00.000+01:00

I never seem to have enough time for anything these days. Had an unknown amount of cigarettes this weekend and have been struggling with a sore throat since then. I seriously want to quit. I've heard people say that you can't quit unless you really want to, but I really, really want to and I still can't. WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?
Stress is getting to me I can feel it. I think I need a massage...know any good ones in Italy?
Anyone?

I don't have time for myself, I don't have time to study, to read, to eat, or to sleep. It's driving me crazy. I had saved up a whole lot of vacation time and now I don't have time to take anymore. What oh what is this world coming to?

Short post today. I just thought I'd write something down cause I know it's been a while, and I'm rambling. Tonight as I lie awake counting the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling I'm gonna try and figure out a way to get more time in the day (and that elusive cure for insomnia). I don't get any television channels that I can understand so that leaves me with turning the volume way down and making up my own words and that's getting really old.

Oh yeah, i'm having problems with my friend still, but I'll leave that for another day when I want to feel really depressed.

For now.....
Ciao

Seriously though

2004-11-02T20:07:00.000+01:00

Not that I wasn't being serious on the last post, but nobody really cares about that crap. I'm over it now. (Do you think I might be bipolar?)

Anyways, here in Italy the day is almost over and there's only one thing left for me to say. I don't normally do this, but with two brothers in the military and with the world being the way it is today...here goes.

Please, please, please, please get out and vote. I sent my absentee ballot a while back and I can't stress enough how important this is to me for you to go out and vote. That's right I said it's important to me.

You see, I know that some of you won't go out and vote for yourselves cause some of you could care less, but I'm asking you to do this as a favor to me. I'll owe you one.

Ok, maybe you'll have to take a picture of yourself actually voting and then send it to me, but if you do that then i'll really owe you one.

Opinions

2004-11-02T17:09:00.000+01:00

Well this is gonna be a wierd one. I decided to write about this just to get some input on the subject. It seems that my opinion is a very unpopular one with men and women alike.
The subject is:
Child support.

Here's the deal. There's a girl that works in a different building that came by and was talking to some people that I work with about the guy that had gotten her pregnant. She was saying that he had just gotten a promotion and she was going to take him back to court to get more money out of him.

"He's gonna be making more money so I'm gonna take him to court to get my share. He owes me that."

The guy doesn't want to see the child, because supposedly it was a one night stand and he doesn't want a child.

My opinion on the subject as a single girl with no children is this:

A women who is willing to take the chance of sleeping around and maybe ending up pregnant has to be willing to take responsibilty for whatever may happen. We make hundreds of choices everyday that effect our lives and this is one of the biggest ones. I'm not saying that nobody should pay child support. If you had a child as a couple and both parents were in agreement in bringing this child into the world then yes, I think you should pay child support. You made that decision to have that child. If the father of the child, even if it was a one night stand, decides to be in the childs life as a father, then yes he should also be financially responsible for that child.

So many women talk about equality and then don't back it up. I by no means think that I am equal to a man for reasons that I'm not gonna get into in this post, but I do think that both men and women are equal in that they are both capable of making decisions.

You might say it takes two, but I'll sum it up like this.
MY BODY IS MY RESPONSIBILTY! If I don't take care of it nobody will. Accidents happen, yes I agree, but we know this and if you decide to have sex with someone you do so knowing that.

You can call me an ass, you can say that I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have a child, you can say anything you want, and if you want to tell me your opinion on the matter than that's fine, but it's just my opinion and in the big picture...
it doesn't mean much to anyone else but me.

I was a little upset about this today...can you tell?

Slump

2004-10-27T21:00:00.000+02:00

I've been feeling kinda down lately. I don't really know what triggered it if anything, but I can't seem to get out of it. I know I hadn't really written anything in a while, but I was away for a little while. I'm back home now, sitting on my balcony, writing a post, and I'm feeling pretty down. How do we know who our real friends are? I mean, well this is kinda hard to explain, but I'm thinking this is the source of my saddness lately. I came home from my trip to Austria this weekend and I called one of my friends. She asked me how my trip went and when I tried to tell her she cut me off and said " You know what, stop right there. All of your trips are the same, and you love everything everywhere. I'm getting kinda tired of hearing about it." I asked her if she was upset about something and she told me no.

I know that it wasn't because she didn't go. I invited her because we both had some time off and she has the money for it so it wasn't that either. I don't really know what to think except that I know she likes to just hang out here and go out to the clubs and stuff. I'm not really into that, never have been really, so I don't know what happened to trigger it. I know I've said this before about her, but she's really hard to be friends with. Some days she loves me and calls me every five minutes just to talk, and some days all she can talk about is how she needs cooler friends. I don't know what to do about it really. When things are good they're great, but when they're bad...
I guess this is why I don't have a boyfriend, because she's just as much of a handful, only without the intimacy.
I sometimes think that I'm only friends with her because I would get lonely without her, but all the times that she's gotten upset with me, (either because I didn't want to go to some club, or because I decide to go out with a guy instead of her which has happened only once) she's always been the one to call. She never apologizes or says anything about it for that matter. She always just acts like it never happened, but I guess it's mostly my fault because I never say anything about it either.
So the question is..
Are we friends...
Or do we just put up with each other out of loneliness?
Maybe this mood I've been in has nothing to do with that.
Maybe I'm just blue. I don't really know what that means or where that expression came from, but it describes my mood right now pretty well.
I have no energy or desire to do much of anything, and I'm ok with that. I'm sure I'll come out of it soon.

I always do.

Hungry in Hungary

2004-10-13T19:47:00.000+02:00

Sitting on the train on my way to the Holocaust museum from downtown Budapest I got an awesome sense of peace. In all my travels I had never been treated as kindly as I was there. If I had a lost look on my face people, young and old would come up to me and help me find my way. I think most people (myself included) have this image of the eastern block that is nothing like what it really is. I'm not sure why I expected grey and cold, but it was absolutely the opposite. The Hungarian people are definately the warmest people as a whole that I have met. I can't name a single bad experience from my entire trip.

Friday I got there early in the morning and made it safely to the hotel. It was high up on a hill with a beautiful view of the entire city. I dropped off my luggage and was off to a great start. I took the metro to the castle district to check out St. Mathais church and a huge art museum that they have in the area. I walked around the whole district and went into some underground caves that were pretty interesting (there was a fountain down there with wine coming out of it). I left there and went to a find a place to eat and I figured since it was my first time in Hungary my first meal there should be goulash, and it was delicious. After that I went across the Danube to see parliament which was awsome. I ended up at a place called Gerbauds and it was so good that I didn't want to ever leave there (seriously was the best meal I've had in a long time), but by the time I did, after listening to great gypsy musicians and having a few glasses of wine I was beat.

The next morning I got up early and had breakfast, and then I walked around the area where the hotel was since there was a huge mall there. I grabbed a guide book and asked some of the locals questions about what I should go see. I didn't really expect for my day to be completely filled with museums and shops and a huge open air market, but I spent the whole day pretty much walking around the whole city. That night I ended up in soho somehow and found a great middle eastern restaurant that was also amazing. I met a few people there (Hungarian) and sat and talked to them for awhile and all of the sudden the music gets really loud and this belly dancer shows up out of nowhere. We sat and drank for a while and talked about all kinds of stuff including why I was travelling alone. We finally said our goodbyes and I caught the last train back to my hotel.

Sunday (my last day) I got up a little late and very thirsty, but I was feeling really good and well rested. I decided to skip breakfast because I wanted to get started on seeing some more sights and I knew that the day was gonna go by real quick. So I made it down to the river and decided to go on a boat tour to Margaret Island which is right in between Buda andPest. It was a great trip, but it took a really long time and I still had a lot to see. I sat down to have lunch and when I did I looked at my map and decided it was no use. There was no way I was gonna be able to see everything and not kill myself. So I sat back, enjoyed my lunch and had coffee afterwards. I lazily walked around downtown and took everything in. The people, the smells, the architecture, the whole atmosphere.

As I was flying back to Italy the next day I decided that I was no longer going to judge a place by what I've seen on tv or heard from other people. I'm gonna go to all those places that sound unpleasant to me and probably have a wonderful time.

Bratislava here I come.

I'm back

2004-10-13T13:56:00.000+02:00

I don't really have a whole lot of time right now cause I'm at work so I'm gonna make this quick. Tonight I'll post about my trip (which was the most amazing trip ever).

For those of you who suggested I go to my halloween party as a crack whore...shut up.

I can't believe you guys couldn't come up with a single good idea. I guess I'll have to figure it out for myself. I was kinda down this weekend during my trip...(the whole having someone to share it with thing). I got mostly over it, but there was a trace of it throught the whole trip. I still had a really good time and when I get a chance I'll post some pics.

I'll tell yall all about it tonight.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2004-10-06T19:22:00.000+02:00

I'm trying to get some work done and I haven't really had much time. I'm supposed to be working right now as a matter of fact, but I promised my sister I'd post so here goes...

I've got nothing...

Oh, yeah I'm trying to figure out what to be for halloween. If you guys can shoot me some good ideas for a costume I would really appreciate it. I remember when Halloween was about trick or treating and bobbing for apples. Now it's more of a eating and drinking till you puke thing. Well maybe not for me, but we're supposed to be having a Halloween party to show the Italian neighbors how to celebrate this great holiday of ours. Which brings me to another story...

My neighbor Massimo and his friend were invited to the party and when we were talking to them Massimo asked what the holiday was all about. I said well it's pretty much a big party with different costumes, mostly scary, where children go out to different houses and collect candy. He says, "I am not a child...why do they ask for candy, are they poor children?" I said "no, it's just for fun". He gave me a funny look and said some things very quickly in Italian that I did not understand, and I tried to cut in and explain it better, but by then he was done and wanted nothing more to do with me. I told him to think about it as he was walking away and he just waved me off.

I think he's coming to the party, what do you think?

So I have to get back to work, but if you can think of the coolest costume ever please let me know.

Ciao.

Travel Bug

2004-10-04T18:02:00.000+02:00

Sooooo, I had a wonderful weekend. I went to the Guggenheim this weekend in Venice. I loved it. Why couldn't I have been an artist?????
I don't really care what kind of artist, just artistic in some way.
Ah well, I met a boy in Venice who is studying art here in Italia and is trying to travel and go to school at the same time. I sat and shared tips with him about travel and he asked me to dinner.
(Did I mention that this boy was 18?)
I told him that I was very sorry, but I already had dinner plans and I had to catch the train back home before it got too late.
As I rode the train back home I was wondering why I had felt the need to lie to him. He seemed like a fairly decent person who probably just wanted someone to talk to since he was in Italy on his own. I was kicking myself because at my age it's nice to find people that you can talk to to make you feel a little less lonely, so I know that it must be difficult at his age being in a foriegn country and not have anyone to talk to.
I made a decision on the train that night. I decided that I'm not going to let myself not do things because I'm afraid anymore. When I'm asked to do something or go somewhere I'm going to just do it...unless it's really lame and I really don't want to.

I'm going on a trip this weekend to an eastern country. It's nowhere crazy like Brataslava, but it's close. I don't know why I'm taking this trip because I've never really had any desire to visit the eastern block, but i'm pretty excited. I'm going on my own and all I'm taking is a back pack and a camera. Don't worry, I'll be perfectly safe and I'll have my cell phone on me just in case. I know I'm going to be sorry for this post come Friday when you guys are calling me every five minutes to make sure I'm not dead, but really if you guys do that then i'm gonna turn the phone off. This will be my third trip in my new plan which I started about three months ago.
I decided that I'm gonna take a trip somewhere new once a month. Last month I went to Germany, and the month before that I went to Spain. I wanted to do this at first because I really hadn't seen much of Europe since I'd been here and the whole purpose for me coming here in the first place was to see Europe. So once again I'm going out there into the unknown and I'm gonna see what happens. I think that as long as I don't end up face down in a gutter naked, I'm doing good.

Just kidding guys.

Wierd Day

2004-09-29T20:51:00.000+02:00

Today went by really quick. I got a lot done, but most of it passed in a state of confusion.

When I showed up to work today I had a note on desk to call my brother. Well, having three brothers I was a little confused as to which one to call first so I started with the youngest who proceeded to tell me to quit calling him in the middle of the night because he had to work in the morning. Since I got the message at 7am here in Italy it was midnight back home. Well I called the next in line and he also yelled at me for about five minutes for calling so late, screamed that he hadn't called and then hung up on me (I don't remember you guys being this cranky when we were growing up by the way.) I finally called the oldest and he picked up after the first ring and he seemed to be wide awake.

Me: Did you call?
Him: No, why what's wrong?
Me: Nothing, I got a message saying to call my brother and I called all three of you and it wasn't any of you.
Him: You sure the message was for you and it wasn't left on your desk by mistake.
Me: (silence)
Him: Didn't think of that did you?
Me: Well, hey it was good talking to you, tell your wife and my nephew I said hello.
Him: That's it?
Me: You didn't call?
Him: Did you just hear what I told you, or are you hearing circus music in your head again?
Me: Sorry. I'll talk to you this weekend.
Him: Did you take your medication?
Me: I'm not on medication.
Him: Maybe you should be.

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I went around the office twice trying to figure out who the message was for. Nothing.

Finally at the end of the day, after I'd been thinking about it all day, someone saw the note on my desk and said "Hey I was wondering where I'd left that."

I said "oh, did you write this, who was it for?" She said "it was for me, it was to remind me to call my brother...."
(silence)

I'm not sure why, but that last part left me even more confused than the first. I love people, all people. I love to observe them in their natural habitat. You never know what they'll do next.

I'm going to start taking food in to work.

I hope you're as confused after this post as I've been all day.

My Best Friend

2004-09-27T18:27:00.000+02:00

I met my best friend in Kindergarten.
She is the one person that I depended on most in high school. Being a middle child isn't always as bad as people think, but sometimes you do feel a little left out.
My friend Cheryl never made me feel that way. She always knew exactly what to say and when to say it.
Recently Cheryl had a baby and I couldn't be happier. We have shared many things in life, and I'm happy to say that this will be yet another. She has asked me to be her little girls Godmother.
Being catholic I know the significance of this is huge. The kind of responsibility involved is more than most people are willing to make.
As a Godparent you are saying that if something happens to this the child's parents that you will be responsible for her.
I do this of my own free will, and although I haven't really considered having children of my own I know that this is something that I really want to do. Cheryl and I have done many things for each other over the years and a times we did lose touch occasionally for extended periods, but we have always been there for each other in those moments when we really needed it.
I'm very happy today. I'm happier than I've been in a while and not even Jake can bring me down (refer to previous post). I'm doing to run down to the gelato stand down the street, treat myself to a huge ice cream cone, sit by the river and think about how, soon I will become a Godmother.

The Hazards of Blogging

2004-09-27T18:06:00.000+02:00

I got an e-mail recently from someone that I don't know. I'm gonna post it here and you guys can give me a little feed back.

Sequesteredgirl,
I recently came upon your blog and thought I should send you an e-mail and
give you my opinion, you know, freedom of speech and all that jazz.
I am completely fucking amazed that you think that any of this crap matters to anyone but you!!!!
I'm sure that it's a nice way to keep your friends and family abreast of
what's going on in your life, but don't you think you should get a life first?
I sincerely doubt that the people that e-mail you even care
anymore and are probably even sick of your whining, but do it just to be "nice". You see I did go through and read a few of your entries and the more I read the more depressed it made me.
Jesus Christ girl, do you really think you should be putting this out in public?
I'm sure your family would be perfectly happy with a short "Hi guys I'm doing good....again".
You should seriously think about getting rid of this website.
You're just taking up space man.

Best of luck,
Jake

My dearest Jake,
I'm happy that you decided to visit my blog. I'm glad you hated reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, you know freedom of speech and all that jazz. My family really loves my site as a matter of fact, but even if they didn't, I'm writing it for me, not for them. You're absolutely right. If I were writing this for them I would just say "Hi guys, I'm doing good", but I'm not. Then again I don't really feel the need to explain myself to you. Why? Well because...
FUCK YOU
...that's why.
so dear Jake, until tomorrow.

The Blind Leading The Blind

2004-09-26T22:20:00.000+02:00

This morning I woke up and felt refreshed. I had not done much of anything this weekend, but I was still looking forward to doing nothing today. I planned to stay in bed and occasionally get up to stuff my face.

A woman I know called me around noon to ask me how I felt about going on a blind date. OK, I've never gone on a blind date before, and truth be told I haven't gone on a date date in...well, technically I haven't been on a date in about two years. I think I was scared on many levels when she asked me this and so I hesitated and then told her that I would think about it and get back to her. She told me she would come by my work tomorrow for lunch and we would talk about it.
I've been thinking about it all day. I have to say it's damn inconsiderate of her to ruin my perfectly good, lazy, not thinking about anything, Sunday.

On one hand I want to go because I've been really lonely, and on the other hand I don't want to go because every blind date I've ever heard of has been a total disaster. Either they are totally not attracted t to the person, and don't get along from the beginning, or the person turns into a stalker. What to do?

I think I'm going to have to decline. I have a hard time talking to people I know, I can just imagine the torture this would be...for the both of us. Am I throwing away a perfectly good opportunity to meet someone amazing? Am I going to find out that this guy was totally amazing and perfect in every way and I didn't have the balls to go out with him? Will I regret this?

I think I'm not going to decline. I won't ever know if I don't just go for it, but I'm afraid of how things will go. Will I obsess about this until that day finally arrives and be so freaked out by then that I won't even be able to enjoy it. Will he be amazing and find out that I'm not and then I'll walk away feeling rejected and embarrassed? Am I obsessing already????

I think I'm going to.... stop thinking about this and enjoy what's left of my perfect Sunday.

Thank God for Boring Weekends

2004-09-25T20:51:00.000+02:00

Last night, I did nothing.
Today, I did nothing.
Tomorrow, I'll do nothing.
I love it when I can actually stick to my plans.
I think life has gotten a little hectic for me and I just need to slow down and take a breath...or maybe a few.

The weather has become cool and crisp and with fall come new hopes and dreams for a brighter future. That will be crushed by the realization that I have to go back to work on Monday. I try to keep my spirits up by walking around town and looking at all the beauty around me. Sometimes it work...but sometimes you just have to say fuck it.

Where did the last ten years of my life go? I blinked and I realized that time went by that quickly. I remember when I was in high school and I would thing, why can't my life just get started already? Why can't I be out on my own living a wonderful life? My wonderful life started and I have no idea when it happened. Have I really wasted this much time?

NO. I haven't really wasted any time at all. I've had a great life even if i have spent most of it by myself. Yes, I do enjoy the solitude...but sometimes...I could use a little company.

I've spent days with friends or dates where I can't wait to get home and be by myself. Some days I get so lonely I can barely breathe. Have I brought this on myself?

I don't know if I believe in Karma, but what if.........

2004-09-24T21:01:00.000+02:00

My beautiful town

Trade Offs

2004-09-24T07:41:00.000+02:00

I had a thought. Life is always a series of trade offs right? You sacrifice somethings in order to get others.
When you make certain decisions in your life do you make them knowing all the time what you're going to have to trade in return?
Does the bookie of life ever come up front and tell you what kind of interest is gonna come with the things you really want?

DESIRE: Move to Italy
SACRIFICE: Leave friends and family

DESIRE: Have a good job.
SACRIFICE: Work long hours and not have time for new friends.

I love it here.
I don't see myself going back to States any time soon, but my heart will always be there. I made these decisions knowing that I was going to have to give somethings up, but in the long run will it have been worth it?
Perhaps.
Perhaps my life isn't better, just different.

Already?

2004-09-24T07:36:00.000+02:00

It's that time of year again.
The leaves will change colors, and the temperature will cool down.

It's a good thing the seasons change around here, because nothing else does. I'm going to be doing the same thing this weekend that I did last weekend, which is nothing, and I'm gonna be doing it with the same people.
Oktoberfest is going on up in Munich and I have no desire to go. I went about four years ago and I don't think I can do that anymore. I hate that people behave the way they do when they get a little booze in them. Not all people, but a lot of people I know are just these evil, loud, and obnoxious versions of themselves. No, I think I'm done with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not done partying or going out and having a good time, I only prefer to do it in a different way now. This didn't happen overnight either. I've never really liked those kinds of people, people who don't know when to stop, or don't like to stop, people who have to drink to have a good time. I could go out and share a bottle of wine with a friend over dinner on a weekend and be good for the rest of the night, but I know people who order 3 or 4 liters in one sitting. That's a lot of wine. They usually justify their drinking by saying something retarded like "red wine is good for you." I sound like an old lady don't I? Yeah I know. Anyway, I'll probably lock myself in my apartment and not come out all weekend. I don't really feel like doing much and I think that has a lot to do with my mood lately. It's been 8 months now since I've had a date and that's kinda putting a downer on my mood too (thanks for pointing that out RJ). I don't think you could consider that last one a date either. Being someone that has a really hard time meeting people anyways, I think a friend once labeled me "unapproachable", I don't think I'm gonna be going on any dates any time soon. Oh well, that's life...

...Is this the best we can expect out of it?

Just My Luck

2004-09-23T07:45:00.000+02:00

I had a whole post written. I lost it. I'm a little too pissed off to re-write it right now, so I'll post later.

Ciao

Prozac

2004-09-21T11:37:00.000+02:00

It's been a really bad few days. I don't know why, but I can't get out of this slump and DMB is just making things worse. I guess I should monitor my music when I'm feeling blue. I don't really feel like writing much today, but it's been awhile and I know my family's getting worried judging by the countless emails. I'm fine, I'm just in one of those moods. I would like to just stay in bed all day and do nothing, but alas work calls.

I've been thinking that maybe I'm bipolar, but I doubt it cause my moods pretty much stay the same. I'm always like this, only in varying degrees.

I'm not feeling too chummy either. My friend called me today to do her a favor and sometimes I wonder why we're even friends. I helped her out this morning, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking back to the times that I've asked her to do something for me (which haven't been often since I don't like putting other people out). She always makes me feel like I'm wasting her time or whatever I need is too trivial for her to be bothered with.

When we go out it's always where she wants to go. She gets upset when I make plans with other people. She gets really pissed when I'm late even though I'm usually the one waiting on her. If she's a half hour late and I call to find out where she is she gets pissed and starts yelling at me on the phone. When I make a mistake or say something stupid (which is often) she doesn't let it go and keeps reminding me of it for months. Did we get married? I don't remember walking down the aisle again. Do I need a friend like this? When things are good they're really good. She's easy to talk to when she's not pissy, she's high maintenance, but she can be a really selfless person at times. I know marriage is hard, I know family's hard, but is friendship supposed to be hard. She may be the only friendship I have that I have to constantly work at. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

Enough of that. Like I said before...she is my friend and I guess when she reads this she'll know exactly who I'm talking about.... To post or not to post.

I'm posting. We'll see how it goes.

Updates

2004-09-16T17:46:00.000+02:00

I've seen her everyday since I arrived here. She's very pretty, kinda quite, and always looks mad. I finally got the courage to go say hello to her seeing as how we are neighbors. She looked at me suspiciously as I approached her and I almost backed out. I told myself that if I was making you guys do this that I should have the balls to do it myself. I walked up to her and introduced myself and asked her where she was from. She told me that she was originally from West Virginia and that she had often wondered who I was and if I was just a very private person. We talked for awhile and decided to get together this weekend for some wine and to get to know each other a little. I MADE A NEW FRIEND!!!!

D--I'm very proud of you for finally going up to that guy that you've had your eye on, but that wasn't exactly what I had in mind...Nice try though.

EJ-- That street, that corner, and at night?????????? Seeing as how you already knew she was a hooker perhaps you should try again. NO it doesn't count.

Jeff--Good effort, but does it count when they're drunk? I'm sure you'll get more honesty from people that way so I guess it does. Good luck with your new ethiopian friend.

As for those of you that said things like "Didn't mom tell us not to talk to strangers?", I applaud your sense of adventure.

Onward....
My advice giving days are over. Though short lived I will treasure them always.

It turns out that I'm as bad at giving advice as I am at everything else. Several of you told me that the guy just wanted to get in my pants and I thank you for taking to heart my earlier post of no being so judgmental. Why is it that I only got that response from guys?

My usual darkness seeped out and the only think that I could tell him turned out to be something that he didn't want to hear. It went something like this...

him- I really think I need to get out of this relationship. My wife doesn't get me and she's no fun anymore.

me- why does this surprise you? Everyone changes as they get older, their priorities change. I'm sure you've changed just as much as she has

He started to look at me as if I had grown a horn between my eyes

him- I've tried talking to her, but she's just so stubborn. Do you think that if I tell her that I need some space that would be a good idea?

me- if you told me that I would tell you to take all the space you wanted but don't bother coming back after that. marriage is hard enough without someone all the sudden getting selfish and deciding what would be better for them and not the relationship.

him- I am doing this for my marriage. I think some time away from her will help me figure out what I want to do.

me- so you're saying you want to get away from her so you can decide if you want to be with her?

him- maybe we should talk about something else. I'll figure it out.

So I guess I really didn't give him any advice did I? I'm a little confused but I think in the end it went really bad. I'll keep you posted on how his thing's going.

I have some huge news that I am going to post. It's gonna be dedicated to my beautiful, wonderful sister, but I need to speak to her about it first since she reads my blog. I recently had a conversation with her and it was the most amazing thing ever (to me anyways). I'll probably talk to her tonight and see how she feels about me posting. I want to share this with everyone, but of course since it's really her story I'll have to get permission first.

So until tomorrow...

2004-09-16T17:45:00.000+02:00

If you've never seen a grotto you should at least once. Italy is full of them and they're breathtaking, and no not just because the water's ice cold.

Suicide Hotlines

2004-09-13T20:50:00.000+02:00

I'm sitting at home.
I'm drinking some wine.
I'm patiently waiting.
I need some advice.
This afternoon I came home from work, and I was really tired. I put my stuff down by the couch and sat down and stared at the wall. Thinking of nothing and everything at the same time. I thought about calling my mom, but decided that I didn't want to worry her. She has a tendency to get worried if I call her during the week, but cause I usually only call her on the weekends when we both have time to sit back and chat.

I got a phone call from a friend who wanted to come by the house and talk for a while. He said that he'd been doing a lot of thinking, and he wanted to leave his wife. He told me that he just needed someone to talk to and that he was gonna come by for a little while. It's getting late and I still haven't heard from him. I've never called him before, but I don't know his wife very well so I'm not gonna call his cell phone and cause more problems than I'm sure he already has. Here's the problem.

Should I tell him that I don't want to get involved? I'm probably the wrong person to ask for advice on this type of situation so I think that I really shouldn't talk to him about this. I know that he might just be looking to vent, but what am I supposed to offer in return? I can listen, but I can't offer much else. I'm hoping that he decides to try and work things out, but what if he doesn't. I suck at these things. My life is so screwed up because I suck at these things. I wouldn't even listen to my own advice. Things like these scare me because I'm always afraid that I'll do more harm than good. Another reason why I'll never become one of those suicide hotline people. I know that we'd lose a lot of people on my watch..... "Oh shit, that sounds horrible, I'd probably want to kill myself too." This is some of the buffoonery that would probably come out of my mouth at a time like that. I know that in desperate situations I would seriously do more harm than good.

I haven't known this guy long, but we get along really good and he doesn't really have a whole lot of friends besides his wife and kid. I couldn't tell the guy no, but what if I say something to impact the situation in any way, and it's wrong?

So here I go to probably ruin a relationship. Wish me luck.

Strangers

2004-09-13T16:41:00.000+02:00

Well lets see, where to start. I started posting because I needed an outlet right? Well things have been going really strange the past few days. An old flame came back into my life, but I've decided that I don't feel enough for him to go back to that. I also wasn't too thrilled with the way he left the first time. The guy that I've had a crush on for a while has turned into a great friend, but every once in a while I'll get that little twinge when we're talking. I'm sure that will go away in time. I hope. I restrung my guitar....Is restrung a word? I slept a lot this weekend, and I figured out that I'm a doormat. I know I've been told by many people that I let others walk all over me...To include the people telling me that I'm a doormat. I feel so frustrated sometimes and I'm starting to lose faith in my fellow man. I truly used to believe the whole "do unto others" thing, but I don't know anymore.

I was walking down the hall and, being the painfully shy person that I am, I was walking with my head down. A guy that happened to be in the same building passed by me. As he walked by I heard him say "snob". I looked around to see who he was talking about...cause I was being nosy, and I noticed that I was the only other person in the hall. What would posses a person to say something mean about someone that they don't even know? I've never seen this guy in my life.

This is not an isolated incident, in fact, I get it all time because, being a shy person I tend to avoid talking to people I don't know. I clam up. I'm a fairly intelligent person and usually have lots to bring to a conversation, but when I meet new people I don't know what happens. Especially if these people happen to be male, and attractive to me. I stutter and I'm really surprised that people haven't asked me if I'm mentally challenged. I can't help it. For those of you that know me and met me at one of these moments I'm sure you can attest to this phenomenon.

I try not to judge people because it happens so often to me, but can anyone out there tell me (if you happen to be one of these people) why do you do it? Why is it so hard to go up and try and get to know a person before you judge them.

This is your homework:
Go up to someone you don't know but have wondered about, or thought they were weird and ask them a semi personal question. I'm not talking about what size bra they wear or anything like that, but maybe where they grew up, or if they have any siblings.

Can you do it? I'll do it with you, and let you know how it goes.

Lots Of News

2004-09-10T08:19:00.000+02:00

More to come...

Blah

2004-09-08T22:57:00.000+02:00

Nothing today.

I've got too many things on my mind and I don't think that I should write them down just yet. I heard a great song today called The Crush by DMB. Oh to feel that way again. I have another friend coming into town this weekend. I think my friends think I'm suicidal. Not the case at all. I've just been taking stock of my life, and it's been found lacking.

I have yet to pick up my guitar.
I have yet to call my parents since I was home last.
I have yet to start taking the classes I wanted to take.
I have yet to meet someone.
I have yet to cut my hair like I should have done.
I have yet to call my friend to see if she made it home ok.
I have yet to have my first child.
I have yet to do my laundry.
I have yet to get out of this thing that's got a hold on me.

Nothing today.

Ripped Apart

2004-09-08T17:23:00.000+02:00

A woman stands on the edge of the water contemplating life. She hasn't been alone for a very long time and she doesn't know what will become of her. Had she gone to college like she had planned and made something of herself things would be different now, but she made her choice. She chose the man she loved. She doesn't regret the things she did in life, only the things she didn't do. One can never plan for the worst when they're happy. When your happy you think that there's no way that things can be any other way.

A woman stands on the edge of a building contemplating life. She's amazed that she was able to build this structure that she now stands on. She wonders if it would be better if she had had someone to share it with. She made her choice. She chose a career over love and the only regret that she has is that she didn't find time for love sooner. She was happy once. She wonders if she can be again.

What choice did you make?

Viva Mexico

2004-09-07T18:21:00.000+02:00

Para mis amigos hispanos...

Gracias por haber visitado mi blog. Espero que les hayan gusatado las fotos que puse el otro dia. Se que tengo mucho tiempo que no les hablo pero espero que pronto nos communiquemos. Por mientras espero que todos se enquentren bien y con buen salud.....Todo mi amor

Cheaters

2004-09-07T17:50:00.000+02:00

I had a converstion with a friend... the same one that likes the same guy I did. We were talking about why men cheat. I'm not sure I can answer that question, nor do I really know why women cheat. Both she and I have been cheated on at least once in our lives, and it has affected us both in different ways. Mine happened with my first and most important relationship and I'm afraid I have never fully recovered. Nine years have come and gone and I still find myself hesitant to jump into anything too quickly. Of course, I could have known the person for years and the second he's interested I decide it's moving too quickly. For my friend it has taken on a more evil form. She's mean. Not to me, but to men. She has the "I'm gonna fuck him over before he does it to me" mentality. Is that right? Is that wrong? I don't know, but I know I couldn't live like that. Who am I to judge when I can't even commit to dinner if someone seems too eager?

Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? Is it as bad as it feels? I guess it all depends on who you ask. One of my friends from a few years ago cheated on his wife quite a few times and he would admit it when asked. He once even brought home a medical surprise for his wife. When confronted he begged for forgiveness and always got it. She was convinced that everytime he cried that he couldn't live without her that he honestly meant it.
About four years and four acts of infidelity on his part later, his wife cheats on him...sort of. She met a guy for dinner at a restaurant who she met in night school. He really liked her, she just wanted a friend. The husband finds out and makes her pack her things and move out. He tells her that there is no way he can ever trust her again.............

It could have easily been the other way around, I know that, but it doesn't make it any more right. Is it worth the effort you put into a relationship? Is it worth the heartache? Is it worth the pain? Is it worth your sanity?

2004-09-06T18:46:00.000+02:00

Ever see pictures of beautiful or exotic places and wonder if people actually live there? I'm glad I don't have to wonder that about Venice anymore.

2004-09-06T18:42:00.000+02:00

Venecia

friends in low places

2004-09-06T12:26:00.000+02:00

What a weekend! My friend came to visit me this weekend. I couldn't believe how much I needed that. I slept the entire night each night. I guess I just needed the company....and a friend. We did quite a bit this weekend even though we really didn't have any real plans. It's amazing how much it helps your soul just having someone to talk to. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided that I'm not going to let loneliness win. I've decided that I'm going to make the most of the most amazing thing that could have happened in my life. It's easy to lose sight of the big picture when your heart aches, but I've been given a boost. My heart still aches, I'm still lonely, and homesick, but I remember now why I decided to come here. I know it won't happen overnight, but I have to get back on track. I love my life, I always have and I'm going to get back to living it. I know why it's taken me so long to realize this.....I'm afraid to fall.
Today......
I start preparing for my jump.

Wish me luck, and I'll keep you posted.

Husband To Go

2004-09-01T09:37:00.000+02:00

Well I've found the perfect website. This is the answer to all of my prayers.

http://www.mailorderhusbands.net

2004-08-31T19:48:00.000+02:00

True = Bold.... False = non-bold
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold/underline the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold/underline is false.
01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've smoked pot
09. I've watched porn
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I can't wait to fall in love.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scars
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past.. (wouldn't have called him significant. loser, rich)
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone only if its someone i want to talk to
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat (..shop AND eat!)
55. I would classify myself as ghetto. (hellz yeah YO!)
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Blogger
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer(... only around people who won't make fun)
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything that i know of
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past (... remember when the boys were passed around? lol)
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "doctor" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex (...yet again the boys being passed around waaay long ago!)
99. I'm happy as of this moment